It's Just One of Those Days

Have no idea what to talk about today...so here's a playlist that I like.

Hey Jupiter - Tori Amos

Bad Wine and Lemon Cake - Amanda Palmer

I Do - Jude

No Time - Frente

5000 - Jade Raven

Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Another Year - Amanda Palmer

Maybe California - Tori Amos

Bad Company ... And Good Company

Tonight I went to a concert with my brother, Josiah. Our dad bought us tickets and planned on coming too, but he works at a local prison and has worked 10 hour overnights for the last 21 days...needless to say, he was tired.  The concert was Joe Walsh and Bad Company.  Joe Walsh sucked, Bad Company put on a great show.  

I really like Bad Company.  I know all the words to all the songs.  Both my brother and I do, but we should, our step-dad used to blare the albums at home and in the car.  It's a wonder any of us can hear, he liked it loud, especially in the car.  While I was having a good time, for a brief bit I was taken back to those years when I had to deal with my step-dad.

He was a horrible person.  You're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but when they never did anything but be a shit to everyone, you just can't do otherwise.  My parents split the last day of 3rd grade, I was eight.  My mother moved in with Clarence (Ray) by the end of June.  She had all five of us kids with her at first.  We moved into a 1 bedroom apartment.  He didn't work.  He never held a job longer than a few weeks for the whole time I knew him, 24 years.

Everything revolved around him.  My mother was the one who worked, in crappy convenient store jobs.  I went to live with my dad before school started that fall.  Over the next couple of years, I lived with my mother for a short period of time.  And as a teenager and young adult always made the effort to maintain a relationship. She never tried to see me, didn't come to school events, never picked me up for visitation or holidays. I don't know if her failure to even try was her own personality trait or his influence.  I'll never know.  

Some examples of his awesome awfulness: kids did ALL the housework, stayed outside the rest of the time; since I was always an overweight kid, he suggested I start wearing sack dresses; the one time he had a short term job fixing someone's garage roof and they didn't pay him because the work was shitty, he went on a tirade of racist rants.  He pushed my mother into not letting my dad see my siblings if he was late picking them up, all the while never trying to see or pay child support for the four he had out in the world.

I haven't thought about him in a long time, but tonight, as my brother and I sang along to ALL the Bad Company songs, I was overwhelmed.  Not because of all the horrible memories of things worse than I would ever mention here, but because here I was with my brother, making new, better, memories and enjoying the music.  I had some really good company.

Crocheting

So I haven't been posting the last couple of nights.  I needed to do something busy and creative in a different way.  I've been crocheting.  I've started a blanket for my bed, queen size, so it'll take awhile.  At this point, I've got about 7 inches done (queen length).

But, it's kind of tedious, so then I switched to making another one of my hats.  In my favorite pattern.  I should have enough of the yarn to make the matching fingerless gloves and a scarf.  AND I started a scarf for my niece.  It's in a fun, fuzzy, yarn.  I'm kind of all over the place right now.  

I also, finally, got to watch the last season of Downton Abbey.  Such a good show.

There's just too much going on in my head right now.  A friend the other day gave me some good advice. He said, "Don't just keep busy, live your life."  I'm working on that, but at least I'll have something to show for my downtime.

Never underestimate the power of making things.  No matter what it is you make. From fiber crafts, to drawing or sewing.  Maybe it's to create a world in my Animal Crossing 3DS game.  All of them make me feel better.

Sometimes, I Want the 90s Back

I spent the evening with an old friend.  He's going through a rough time.  We haven't really talked much in years, but we used to hang out a bit in the high school and a few years after.

It's strange to see him this way.  My memory is of a gregarious kid who was head over heels for a friend of ours and saw all the possibilities ahead of him for life.  Now he seems to have no will to be happy or fulfilled.

It helps me look at my life a little differently.  Sure, I'm excited about where I am, but I don't feel that I've given myself all I'll ever have to offer.  I don't see every experience as a road to disappointment.  Perhaps there's still some optimism in me yet.

I suppose I have a soft spot for that time because I was a teenager, moving into early adulthood, so those times seem bittersweet and somewhat carefree.  And the music was fucking outstanding!  Grunge/Alternative, whatever you want to call it was the music of my soul.  NIN, TOOL, Tori, PJ, Better Than Ezra, Nirvana, TMBG, Toad; I could go on.  I find myself perusing the used CD section of Vintage Stock and Half Price Books.  I'm rebuilding the collection I once sold.

I hope he finds some peace of mind and his own value of himself TO himself and to others.  I hope I can keep mine and be an example that it can happen.

Tonight I Was Teenage Me

I had plans that were cancelled.  I invited a friend over, only for them to decline with the excuse they were busy preparing for an interview and not feeling well, then for them to later tell me they had company and were drinking. How did I deal with this? By vegging out like a teenager.

First I made some veggie corn dogs...in the microwave...nothing says teen like a corn dog that dried out on one side.  They weren't bad.  I like the brand.

Then I turned on that *great* YA novel translated into film: Vampire Academy.

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY!!

Next, it was eating my feelings along with some yummy Ben & Jerry's.

All I needed to complete my regression was a see through phone and a daybed.

Don't Tell Me

Don't tell me you miss me, then drive 3 hours to see someone else.

Don't tell me that I'm all you think about except to think about how to fix us.

Don't tell me I'm what keeps you in Kansas City, but you don't think we can be together right now.

Don't tell me I'm the most important person in your life while you don't respond to texts for hours when we're not together, yet when we are, text non-stop with others.

Don't ask me to hang out only when you've been drinking.

Don't ask me if I want you to fuck me like I'm some booty call.

Don't tell me you love me if I'm not the only one you love.

It's Never Made Sense

I'm in Al-Anon.  It's an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It's for those of use who are family members or partners or friends of an alcoholic.  We meet to try to help ourselves deal with how the situation of living with an alcoholic in our lives have changed us as people or colored the way we deal with the world.  It's not just for those with an alcoholic in their lives, but anyone with an addiction or struggle that has similar effects.

We work steps, same as AA and try to apply them to our lives in a way that mean something to us and help us. Many of the principals are based in a Christian belief system. I don't begrudge this as it was developed during the first half of the 20th century and in recent times some of the wording has been changed to be more inclusive of other faiths so more people might find help. One slogan is take what you need and leave the rest.  I've gotten some good advice, taken to heart some lessons from others and it's really helped.

Tonight's meeting revolved around the Second Step.

For many in the group this step is about giving up to (the Christian) God their worries and fears and anger and anything they know they can't control or change and waiting for him to guide them or show them what to do. But as long as I've been old enough to think logically, that idea never made sense to me.

How can anyone accept that God (no matter which you believe in) will help you with something like being angry at a bad driver or being sad because the alcoholic in your life decides to leave you for someone else, while so much suffering and tragedy happens daily with no intervention?  Why would any God make it a priority to help someone with something that they should be able to work out for themselves, instead of ensuring children are no longer hurt or hungry or crazy people don't kill a club or school full of people?

So, I've decided a power greater than myself is the one I'll be tomorrow, as I grow and learn and build myself up to be a better person, not just for myself but for society as a whole.

Today I ate: 2 vegan pizza pockets and a cookie
Today I bought: shorts and a bra

But I Don't Like It

I believe this idea.  I try to convince others of it.  Everyday I tell myself something similar.
But as humans we always question why it has to be like that. Especially when many people seem to not be feeling that way, EVER.  I think they are just really good at hiding it or accepting it. 

I think I've finally reached a turning point. My ex is in Wichita with someone else. They are probably going to confirm that they are definitely together. I'm not distraught. I'm not devastated like before. I'm sad, but I think this is progress. But now what?

I'm trying to remember the old me.  The one before I was married and divorced and then with Anthony.  Back when I was okay with who I was and the rest of you all be damned! I hope I can find that me again, and be better for it.


Today I ate: Indian buffet, taco roll-ups, strawberry cheesecake ice cream
Today I bought: 2 tops and a pair of pants

Family

Family means different things to different people. For some it's only biological relations, others it's the friends you meet along the way that become your family.  And sometimes, it starts out as biological relations, disintegrates, and you find them again along the way. 

At the age of nine, my parents split up. My mom took us five kids with her to a tiny one bedroom apartment.  My dad went to my grandma's. 

Two months before the split.

I'm a daddy's girl and after a few months, I went with him. He got full custody of me; my mom got my four younger siblings.  It was not until two years later that I learned that she had the same arrangement for me as my dad for them - every other weekend and every other holiday.  I didn't know, because she never exercised that right.  However, as I grew up she would complain and harass my dad every time he was late picking them up.  A few times I moved in with her and spent a few months with my siblings.  I didn't grow up with them.  In the next few years dad fathered two more boys, marrying one of the mothers, who brought a young daughter into our mix.  I am the oldest of eight in total.

Everybody but me and Everett.

Being 10 years older than my youngest sister and 15 years older than my youngest brother (the only two who lived with me) assured that I would feel almost like an only child.  Over the years, I'd see my siblings, having moved back and forth between parents, but I don't feel like we ever bonded like some siblings do.  Once I was an adult and they started getting older there was a lot of contention between some of us.  To this day we don't talk much.  Usually I see any of them when it's holiday time and mostly because of my 17 nieces and nephews.

I moved to KC again in 2011.  I believe my brother, Josiah, moved here around that time or even before then.  Prior to last year, we hung out maybe once.  He's five years younger than me and a foot taller.  Totally full of Leffler swagger and father to only one of my many nieces. He helped me move a year and a half ago, and I've watched Maddie a couple of times when he was in a pinch.

A few months ago, I was down further than I ever thought I could possibly be.  The only person I really had to talk to was my dad and he was an hour away.  I decided to call my brother and he came right over.  I believe he saved my life that day.  It was that bad.  And since then we hang out, go grab food, watch movies, and just share life.  

Sometimes family doesn't share holidays, they don't call each other on a regular basis or see each other for years.  And sometimes, when you really need them, they are there.  They don't judge you, they let you cry and make your same mistakes because they understand you have to or you won't move on.  Finding my family in my brother has been one of the best things to happen in a long time.

I'm Going to Make My Own Damn Underwear

Yeah, seriously. I can't keep spending money on poorly made and badly proportioned undies, no matter how much I love them.

These are my current favorites.  I get them from Torrid.  You know, the big girl store.  And while I'm extremely happy to have to purchase their smallest size, I'm irritated that they are $15 a fricking pair and last about as long a disposable gown from the hospital.

Don't let the pic fool, there's floss between them thighs.

I have at least 6 pairs of them...and every single pair comes apart at the seam.  EVERY DAMN ONE.  Hello, ever thought about only cutting whole pair in one piece and just sewing up the sides??  Oh and they also have a crotch that's about .5 inch wide.  Um hello, this is from the BIG GIRL store.  Even if I were super skinny, that space from thigh to thigh is NOT going to lose width.  If I wanted to floss my nethers, well, I'd just not.  So, I'm gonna start making my own.


Today I ate: SUSHI!!!!
Today I (will buy): a ticket to see Now You See Me 2

You're Almost Human After All

If I could just stay home from work, I could sleep so good.  I make myself get up and go, though.  I make myself do things after work.  I meet up with friends or my brother. Last weekend I was busy every day. On Saturday I had a parade, then lunch with a couple of my knights. On to an oil change, then skating with my niece and dinner with both her and my brother.  Got home around 7, very tired, but thought I should wait so I didn't wake up in the middle of the night.

And old high school friend got in touch with me, and we started chatting.  I thought my tiredness would begin to overwhelm me, but no.  I was up until 5 a.m. chatting.  I finally was able to lay down and slept for about 5 hours until I needed to get up and go to the amusement park with another friend.  Got home after 10, still didn't get to sleep until after 1.

Had work the next day.  Got up and went.  Super tired all day.  That night, wide awake went to the movies with my friends.  After, stayed up until about 5 again, I think.  Didn't feel tired almost the whole time. I achieved about 3 hours of sleep.

There is a pattern.  During the day, when I'm so super sleepy, if I had the opportunity, I'd definitely sleep.  Yet, at night, when I should be even more tired, it eludes me.  My mind doesn't race, at least not always. WebMD isn't diagnosing properly, either.

I don't know where I'm going with this.  I must just be too tired.

I'll Take One Mushroom Swiss Burger Pizza

...hold the burger.

I love the looks I get when I say that.  Mushrooms, onions and swiss are meant to be together.  Like, for always.  So delicious.  But I don't eat animal flesh.  Not for just about 6 years.  I have issues with factory farming, and the toll animal agriculture takes on our environment.  However, I'm not here to try to persuade you of anything, except to quit being a fucking douche about it.

Found on Google.

I usually tell people I'm a vegetarian if we're planning on eating together.  I'm not doing it to proclaim I'm better than anyone or to imply we have to go to a vegetarian/vegan restaurant. I'm telling you so that hopefully we can go somewhere we BOTH can eat.  I love salad man, but sometimes: I'm hungrier than a salad can satisfy, or the place only offers a side salad.  Sure I can eat fries, or some other side, but that's not a meal.  I'm totally willing to make do if I have to.  I regularly visit a very small town, so a Subway Veggie Delight it is, for dinner.  Other times I volunteer the information is if I'm offered food that I don't know the ingredients or know has meat in it.  I used to try to be all, "No, thanks, I 'm not hungry." Or, "I just don't like {whatever}." But unfortunately that can lead to a lot of wasted back and forth.

For the most part people are chill.  My brother and dad give me a lot of ribbing, yet they still make an effort to ensure I can eat. But sometimes, sometimes you get people who just want to fucking argue with you.  I am not telling you to not eat what you want.  I'm just saying it isn't for me, so can it Chachi!

E'rrybody loves Chachi.

I hate that we live in a world where it it seems to tick people off when a personal choice is made for the greater good instead of personal satisfaction.  And I'm not perfect, believe me.  I still eat cheese.  (It is like cocaine, man.) I know how dairy farms work and how they keep cows producing milk.  I'm still working on this. And I know that there are small farms that do not treat the animals to be sacrificed for food, in the same manner the factory farms do.  For me, it's just easier to be a vegetarian.

The one time I truly got pissed though was when I worked for Head Start.  We had two days of training - mostly informational sessions for teachers (I was the Business Director), and one session about changes to the food service.  There was some talk about substituting food for children with either medical reasons or religious reasons.  I raised my hand to ask about children who were raised vegetarian or vegan.  "No, no substitutions will be made for them, because it's a choice that they eat that way."  WHAT?? What the hell do you think a religion is?  It's a choice and people choose what to believe in.  A medical condition can't be helped.  If they eat something they are allergic to, then they could die.  You can change your religion whenever it suits you.  I know. I was baptized Catholic as a baby, went to a Southern Baptist church as a child and teen, and now I'm a Pagan.  So, tell me again why you can give them substitutes based on their belief in a religious teaching, but not to me because my belief is based on my moral compass (which some people equate to religion)?

I just want people to get over it.  I've never encountered nearly as much animosity from any other lifestyle choice I've made than I have for this. 

Today I ate: some crackers and a couple slices of Mushroom Swiss Burger Pizza - hold the burger, coffee

Today I bought: nothing

Anya

Tonight a friend asked me which fictional character I identified with.  We had been discussing Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (my favorite tv show).  And I think it's Anya.  For those of you who don't know, she was a human done wrong by her man, became a vengeance demon for 1000 years and because of a bad deal became human again.

We see her re-learn to feel human emotions.  She falls in love, feels hurt, can't understand why humans don't just say what they mean and basically be very blunt.  But the moment she shines as truly human is when Buffy's mom dies.  She doesn't understand.  She doesn't know what to do or how to deal with it.

A lot of the time, I just want people to explain why to me.  Why can't we help poor people? Why can't we take care of our veterans? Why can't people have access to healthcare? Why does everyone leave me?  Yeah.  I went there.  I'm pretty obsessed with that right now.

But no one will ever tell me why.  They just expect me to understand like it's blatantly obvious. I feel like Anya a lot these days.

How I Learned Worlds of Fun Sometimes Parallels Life

I'm trying to do more things. Today I went to Worlds of Fun, our local amusement park with my awesome friend, Heith. I warned him I wasn't so good with the big stuff, you know, roller coasters. I'm all for almost all the other kinds of rides, I've just never been okay for the "thrill" rides. But, I'm pretty proud of myself. I rode The Patriot, twice. I mean, I didn't open my eyes or anything, but I did like the way it hugged me.

The Patriot - Park photo from website.

Heith kept asking me what I didn't like about the other rides.  I always thought that it was the heights, but I'm kinda okay with most of that. I love the ferris wheel. (But never, ever, ever will I go on the Steelhawk, too high man, too high.) Maybe the speed? But after a conversation revealing I usually drive faster than these rides go, well that probably wasn't it. However, I don't drive in super tight curves, nor with drops causing my belly to be all butterflied and wobbly. 

My anxiety got the best of me and I had to beg my way out of riding one of the other roller coasters, twice. It really bothered me, tied me up in knots. The second time I thought I would be able to ride it, but I just couldn't. Next time, I'll try again.

After I got home, I thought about it a little bit. There are things in life that we fear because of not really knowing what's going happen. And that's what it is, isn't it? We might have an idea of a little of what will happen, like with the rides. I know that I'm going to tense up, I'm going to be extremely uncomfortable and my heart will race. And that feeling of falling...I don't like it. I really don't. Will it make me sick? Will I get so anxious it could cause problems?  

Now, apply that to life. When change happens, we don't know what to expect. Things are now unfamiliar. We may think we have a point of reference, but sometimes experience doesn't always apply.  Then we worry about the unknown, our fight or flight response can become triggered. If not, we may just stay in our own heads, not able to get out of them, no matter how much help we get from others, friends or family or professionals. 

Being frightened of the rides is much like being frightened of changes in our lives. Who knew you could learn something from an amusement park to apply to bigger aspects of life?


Today I ate: some glazed chocolate Munchkins, QT coffee, various sodas, veggie sandwich

Today I bought: nothing!

Night of Hunters Was a Beast of a Record

I love Tori Amos.  I cannot deny it, nor will I ever try. For me she came into my life at the tender age of 16 with Little Earthquakes and has never left.  I have never been disappointed by any new thing she has done.  Now, some of her re-masters haven't been the best, but, like I said, each new thing, I really like.

When Night of Hunters came out I was ready.  I heard all about it.  Tori had taken classical pieces and reworked them, adding lyrics and writing an album that told a story.  She was going to tour with an orchestra to support it.  I loved it from minute one.  It played the whole time those first few months and inspired some of my favorite artwork I've ever done. (See Red Riding Hood in my previous post.)  Not only are the lyrics so good, but the way she kept true to the piece of music while giving it her own take, man, it's my favorite album of hers.  No matter what you think of her other music, give this a try and just listen to her talent.

Original: Franz Schubert - Piano Sonata in a Major D 959 - ii. Andantino

Rework: Tori Amos - Star Whisperer

Original: Claude Debussy - The Girl With the Flaxen Hair

Rework: Tori Amos - Carry

I could go on, but I won't.  Think I need to play some Shattering Sea though.

I Tried To Draw A Comic Strip...Once

For those of you that don't know, I fancy myself an artist at times.  Currently, most of my art consists of crocheted items, mostly hats and fingerless mitts.  I love it because it's faster than knitting and I am CREATING something.  Hats...I really like making hats, especially this pattern.

3rd version

Very 1st time

I was a graphic design then sculpture major before I just went for the Liberal Arts degree.  I love 2-D work best.  My profile pic for this blog is one of my designs for Red Riding Hood.  It was the final product created by cutting Color-aid paper with an X-acto knife and utilizing rubber cement to build the work.  My whole idea with the images were to create them only with basic shapes: square, circle, rectangle, triangle.  I wanted children to see them and once they realized only those shapes were used, they may feel like they, too, could create art.  So many times people are scared to try creating because they feel they need 'talent', but we can all make art.  It's as simple as putting a circle on a triangle and two rectangles to compose a girl in a hood. Here are a couple of images from the process before cutting began.

First sketch

How about a little color?

But one of my all time favorites was when I decided to try my hand at a comic strip.  I only finished three, but someday I hope to get back to Shoddy Odditors.  Enjoy!

True story.

ANOTHER true story.

Yeah, I'm wierd.

I'm writing this in advance of day 3...so no updates on eating or shopping.

Come Fight My Knights

In the last year I did something I always wanted to do, I started working at Kansas City Renaissance Festival. I've always wanted to, but never really had the guts or know how to get involved.  Even though many of my friends of more than 20 years have worked there probably that long.  It ended up taking a friend from the derbs to get me into it.  Hi Ho Silver, an awesome gal on the Royal Pains saw a post I shared from the faire saying they were hiring and how I always wanted to do that.  Welllll, she was a camp follower for the Yeomen Bodyguard living history group..you know, those stoic men in black that guard the king and queen, and could hook me up.

Photo courtesy of Mark Leaver.

I came to a few of their practices last summer and signed on.  I mean, c'mon, who wouldn't?  I get to traipse around in corsets, surrounded by men in tights!  Plus, not only are they super cool, but it's actually still an active branch of the British Military...check out this site or this one for more info.  Come to the festival and walk by our camp and you'll probably hear me shouting in one of my many accents, "Come fight one of my knights!"

They are some of the best people I know.  I count them as some of my best friends.  Just last night, there was practice (one must always be ready for combat) and afterwards the normal camaraderie.  I've never been great at asking for help when I need it, but last night a couple of my knights let me know that they knew I needed them and to not shy away from coming to them.  I don't think they know how much they mean to me...well, actually they should as I'll be cooking for them next season and that means cooking animals even though I'm a vegetarian...but anyway, seriously, it meant the world.  I know that if I ever needed someone, I could reach out to any of them and they'd be there for me.

During Norman Medieval Fair, a panorama of awesome.

Today I ate: 2 chocolate chip cookies, veggie chimichanga and 3 Peanut Butter Sandwich Girl Scout cookies.

Today I bought: Season Pass to Worlds Of Fun

It's Been So Long

I'm right back where I was.  It's been a year since I blogged last.  I stopped because I thought things were better.  I was wrong.  The last year has been hell.

I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me.

It's been on again, off again with my ex.  I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them.  It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying.  He hasn't done anything different except meet other women.  He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me.  I can't parse any of that.  I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us.  

My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of.  I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains.  Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore.

I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them.

Got a new job in August.  I love it.  I actually like going to work.  Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job.  It just has to do with life.

I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is?  Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous.

I don't like any of this.