Don't tell me you miss me, then drive 3 hours to see someone else.
Don't tell me that I'm all you think about except to think about how to fix us.
Don't tell me I'm what keeps you in Kansas City, but you don't think we can be together right now.
Don't tell me I'm the most important person in your life while you don't respond to texts for hours when we're not together, yet when we are, text non-stop with others.
Don't ask me to hang out only when you've been drinking.
Don't ask me if I want you to fuck me like I'm some booty call.
Don't tell me you love me if I'm not the only one you love.
Showing posts with label Exes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Exes. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
But I Don't Like It
I believe this idea. I try to convince others of it. Everyday I tell myself something similar.
But as humans we always question why it has to be like that. Especially when many people seem to not be feeling that way, EVER. I think they are just really good at hiding it or accepting it.
I think I've finally reached a turning point. My ex is in Wichita with someone else. They are probably going to confirm that they are definitely together. I'm not distraught. I'm not devastated like before. I'm sad, but I think this is progress. But now what?
I'm trying to remember the old me. The one before I was married and divorced and then with Anthony. Back when I was okay with who I was and the rest of you all be damned! I hope I can find that me again, and be better for it.
Today I ate: Indian buffet, taco roll-ups, strawberry cheesecake ice cream
Today I bought: 2 tops and a pair of pants
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
It's Been So Long
I'm right back where I was. It's been a year since I blogged last. I stopped because I thought things were better. I was wrong. The last year has been hell.
I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me.
It's been on again, off again with my ex. I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them. It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying. He hasn't done anything different except meet other women. He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me. I can't parse any of that. I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us.
My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of. I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains. Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore.
I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them.
Got a new job in August. I love it. I actually like going to work. Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job. It just has to do with life.
I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is? Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous.
I don't like any of this.
I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me.
It's been on again, off again with my ex. I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them. It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying. He hasn't done anything different except meet other women. He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me. I can't parse any of that. I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us.
My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of. I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains. Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore.
I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them.
Got a new job in August. I love it. I actually like going to work. Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job. It just has to do with life.
I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is? Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous.
I don't like any of this.
Friday, June 12, 2015
I Think I Did It In Reverse
I think this is the last one...truly. Almost two weeks ago I was devastated. Utterly and completely. Now, it's so much better. But I think I did it in reverse. Usually when people break up, the devastation is first. The heartbreak, the self-questioning. For us it was different. The final blow is what caused the last bit of heartbreak. I think that's part of why I feel so much better, just twelve days later. The other parts are as follows.
Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me. Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday. First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.
It was great to be able to just have a fun night. My favorite win of the night was this:
I spent time with new friends. Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy. But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.
I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering. Both times she was positive and thought provoking. Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves. The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer. Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves. It's called "As I Am". I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person. Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week. Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself. It has helped so much more than I could ever say. Here, give it a listen.
Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me. Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday. First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.
I spent time with new friends. Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy. But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.
I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering. Both times she was positive and thought provoking. Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves. The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer. Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves. It's called "As I Am". I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person. Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week. Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself. It has helped so much more than I could ever say. Here, give it a listen.
It's all getting better. I'm a different person. I'm really looking at my life and what happened in the relationship. I'm taking the good and working on the bad and I am whole, as I am!
Today I ate: 2 donuts, trail mix, cappuccino, Cherry Icee
Today I bought: a movie ticket
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Sometimes I'm the Bad Guy
It's over. Three months after I moved out in an attempt to try fix my relationship. I know that sounds crazy..but maybe I just wasn't meant to live with someone. Perhaps we would be better off if we weren't with each other all of the time. Many people have long lasting relationships without ever cohabiting. Have you ever been with someone...spent all your time together for almost a year and then decide to move in together and only THEN find out things that you didn't know?
Life is weird. You meet someone, you talk for hours upon hours over the course of a few days. You have a first kiss that you regularly conjure up in your mind as to always hold on to the memory. We had so much in common. We liked music and reading. We did art projects at the table with Anthony Bourdain on in the background. We spent long evenings reading books as we laid on opposite ends of the couch, entwining our legs. Some nights I lay in his lap while he watched movies on Netflix, and he softly touched my face or played with my hair. We went to movies and bowling. He introduced me to delicious foods: Indian, Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Japanese. We said we'd move to Europe...Amsterdam in particular was promised.We were together almost every day from the day we met until we moved in together 11 months later. He stayed over at my place, I stayed at his. He cooked for me. Invited me to events with his family. I became part of his family, more so than my own.
Things kind of went south after we moved in together. We started to grow apart after a few years. I wanted to do more things. I joined roller derby and kept going to school. There were other issues that ended in our fighting...a lot. Finally after I had tried counseling, I decided to try living apart as a last resort. But through all the things that we've been through and as much as I thought I was making known what I'd like, he didn't do the same. The communication that we needed just wasn't there. Too much of what our relationship had been in the beginning was no more.
It's always easy to say that the person ending the relationship is doing so because they just want to move on or they are interested in someone else; that they don't want to make the effort. I can honestly say that simply isn't true. Sometimes the hardest decision we make is to sever the tie, make the break. And in my case, my heart is broken just as much as ever. I still love him and everything we were at one point and everything that we could have been. My hope is that considering how much we shared, we can be real, true friends.
Today I bought: nothing
Today I ate: strawberries, latte, goulash, carrots, red peppers, Boca veggie sliders, Thin Mints, Mother's Lil' Helper.
Life is weird. You meet someone, you talk for hours upon hours over the course of a few days. You have a first kiss that you regularly conjure up in your mind as to always hold on to the memory. We had so much in common. We liked music and reading. We did art projects at the table with Anthony Bourdain on in the background. We spent long evenings reading books as we laid on opposite ends of the couch, entwining our legs. Some nights I lay in his lap while he watched movies on Netflix, and he softly touched my face or played with my hair. We went to movies and bowling. He introduced me to delicious foods: Indian, Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Japanese. We said we'd move to Europe...Amsterdam in particular was promised.We were together almost every day from the day we met until we moved in together 11 months later. He stayed over at my place, I stayed at his. He cooked for me. Invited me to events with his family. I became part of his family, more so than my own.
Things kind of went south after we moved in together. We started to grow apart after a few years. I wanted to do more things. I joined roller derby and kept going to school. There were other issues that ended in our fighting...a lot. Finally after I had tried counseling, I decided to try living apart as a last resort. But through all the things that we've been through and as much as I thought I was making known what I'd like, he didn't do the same. The communication that we needed just wasn't there. Too much of what our relationship had been in the beginning was no more.
It's always easy to say that the person ending the relationship is doing so because they just want to move on or they are interested in someone else; that they don't want to make the effort. I can honestly say that simply isn't true. Sometimes the hardest decision we make is to sever the tie, make the break. And in my case, my heart is broken just as much as ever. I still love him and everything we were at one point and everything that we could have been. My hope is that considering how much we shared, we can be real, true friends.
Today I bought: nothing
Today I ate: strawberries, latte, goulash, carrots, red peppers, Boca veggie sliders, Thin Mints, Mother's Lil' Helper.
Monday, January 26, 2015
This Will Be TMI
I'm a woman who has tried not to buy in to that whole "girls who like sex are just dirty whores or sluts." I've never hidden the fact that I enjoy sex. Until I was married and then made to feel like my past was something I should be ashamed of by my husband. I may have enjoyed myself with various people, but I least I wasn't repeatedly cheating on my spouse!
I used to work at Priscilla's (now Cirilla's) and I had a good time, when I wasn't yelling at our misogynistic boss. I enjoy a good dirty joke, and there isn't a double entendre I haven't made.
Apparently I have this effect on those I'm with...they no longer want anything to do with me. It's gradual. With my husband, he was just a cheater. He cheated on his first wife. He cheated on me (#2) and most likely cheats on the third one. My current boyfriend and I had a great intimate relationship for about the first two years...then it dwindled. It was still great, when it happened, but those times got fewer and fewer. Now, there are months that go by without so much as a peck.
I miss sex. I miss snuggling up next to someone exhausted, sweaty and spent. I miss waking up and doing it all over again.
Yesterday and today I ate: vegan garlic cheese bread, 1/2 a vegan pizza, 2 sleeves of graham crackers, a cheesestick, 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy latte, 2-23oz Boulevard Wheats, cherry tomatoes, carrots, cheese sandwich, apple, cottage cheese, Chipotle veggie burrito.
Yesterday and today I bought: a cardigan, a tee-shirt, 3 books, a stuffed stick pirate and a case for my tablet.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I like to drive
But only when I'm not working through things. I mentioned earlier that I think my relationship is about to end. I've just got a feeling, so every time I'm not occupied with something else, then my mind immediately goes to the grieving of what I'm losing. It's stupid.
School just started for the semester. My last for my Bachelors. I'm ready to be done with this aspect of my life. It's time to move on to the next bit.
I found out my ex-husband had a baby recently with his third wife (I was his second). That's nice for them..but maybe they could have named it something that WE hadn't decided upon when we were trying to have kids. I can't have any, by the way. I say it's okay because I have 17 nieces and nephews. Yes, 17.
I finally got back on skates tonight! It was great. I was worried because I fell down some stairs about a month ago, but my ankle was just a little sore. This is awesome. I really need to skate more. Tonight was scrimmage night for all of our teams except our travel team. I got to see all my favorite people. It was nice.
I'm taking lots of Vitamin D3, as directed by my doctor...it's not helping with the sadness.
I think that I'm not eating as much as usual, either because subconsciously I'm all, "I'm gonna write that in the blog" or because I'm going further down my rabbit hole. The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for days. I just didn't feel like it. That normally doesn't happen. Normally, I just eat and shop. I listen to tv and eat and do something else. But I never not eat. It doesn't really matter.
I should really do homework. The first bit is due Friday. I probably won't until tomorrow night.
Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy cappuccino, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, carrots, cherry tomatoes, jalapeno cheese stick, 2 black bean sliders, some Thai potato chips, juice, hot & spicy ramen.
Today I bought nothing.
School just started for the semester. My last for my Bachelors. I'm ready to be done with this aspect of my life. It's time to move on to the next bit.
I found out my ex-husband had a baby recently with his third wife (I was his second). That's nice for them..but maybe they could have named it something that WE hadn't decided upon when we were trying to have kids. I can't have any, by the way. I say it's okay because I have 17 nieces and nephews. Yes, 17.
I finally got back on skates tonight! It was great. I was worried because I fell down some stairs about a month ago, but my ankle was just a little sore. This is awesome. I really need to skate more. Tonight was scrimmage night for all of our teams except our travel team. I got to see all my favorite people. It was nice.
I'm taking lots of Vitamin D3, as directed by my doctor...it's not helping with the sadness.
I think that I'm not eating as much as usual, either because subconsciously I'm all, "I'm gonna write that in the blog" or because I'm going further down my rabbit hole. The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for days. I just didn't feel like it. That normally doesn't happen. Normally, I just eat and shop. I listen to tv and eat and do something else. But I never not eat. It doesn't really matter.
I should really do homework. The first bit is due Friday. I probably won't until tomorrow night.
Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy cappuccino, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, carrots, cherry tomatoes, jalapeno cheese stick, 2 black bean sliders, some Thai potato chips, juice, hot & spicy ramen.
Today I bought nothing.
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