Don't tell me you miss me, then drive 3 hours to see someone else.
Don't tell me that I'm all you think about except to think about how to fix us.
Don't tell me I'm what keeps you in Kansas City, but you don't think we can be together right now.
Don't tell me I'm the most important person in your life while you don't respond to texts for hours when we're not together, yet when we are, text non-stop with others.
Don't ask me to hang out only when you've been drinking.
Don't ask me if I want you to fuck me like I'm some booty call.
Don't tell me you love me if I'm not the only one you love.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2016
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Family
Family means different things to different people. For some it's only biological relations, others it's the friends you meet along the way that become your family. And sometimes, it starts out as biological relations, disintegrates, and you find them again along the way.
At the age of nine, my parents split up. My mom took us five kids with her to a tiny one bedroom apartment. My dad went to my grandma's.
I'm a daddy's girl and after a few months, I went with him. He got full custody of me; my mom got my four younger siblings. It was not until two years later that I learned that she had the same arrangement for me as my dad for them - every other weekend and every other holiday. I didn't know, because she never exercised that right. However, as I grew up she would complain and harass my dad every time he was late picking them up. A few times I moved in with her and spent a few months with my siblings. I didn't grow up with them. In the next few years dad fathered two more boys, marrying one of the mothers, who brought a young daughter into our mix. I am the oldest of eight in total.
Being 10 years older than my youngest sister and 15 years older than my youngest brother (the only two who lived with me) assured that I would feel almost like an only child. Over the years, I'd see my siblings, having moved back and forth between parents, but I don't feel like we ever bonded like some siblings do. Once I was an adult and they started getting older there was a lot of contention between some of us. To this day we don't talk much. Usually I see any of them when it's holiday time and mostly because of my 17 nieces and nephews.
I moved to KC again in 2011. I believe my brother, Josiah, moved here around that time or even before then. Prior to last year, we hung out maybe once. He's five years younger than me and a foot taller. Totally full of Leffler swagger and father to only one of my many nieces. He helped me move a year and a half ago, and I've watched Maddie a couple of times when he was in a pinch.
A few months ago, I was down further than I ever thought I could possibly be. The only person I really had to talk to was my dad and he was an hour away. I decided to call my brother and he came right over. I believe he saved my life that day. It was that bad. And since then we hang out, go grab food, watch movies, and just share life.
Sometimes family doesn't share holidays, they don't call each other on a regular basis or see each other for years. And sometimes, when you really need them, they are there. They don't judge you, they let you cry and make your same mistakes because they understand you have to or you won't move on. Finding my family in my brother has been one of the best things to happen in a long time.
At the age of nine, my parents split up. My mom took us five kids with her to a tiny one bedroom apartment. My dad went to my grandma's.
 |
| Two months before the split. |
I'm a daddy's girl and after a few months, I went with him. He got full custody of me; my mom got my four younger siblings. It was not until two years later that I learned that she had the same arrangement for me as my dad for them - every other weekend and every other holiday. I didn't know, because she never exercised that right. However, as I grew up she would complain and harass my dad every time he was late picking them up. A few times I moved in with her and spent a few months with my siblings. I didn't grow up with them. In the next few years dad fathered two more boys, marrying one of the mothers, who brought a young daughter into our mix. I am the oldest of eight in total.
 |
| Everybody but me and Everett. |
I moved to KC again in 2011. I believe my brother, Josiah, moved here around that time or even before then. Prior to last year, we hung out maybe once. He's five years younger than me and a foot taller. Totally full of Leffler swagger and father to only one of my many nieces. He helped me move a year and a half ago, and I've watched Maddie a couple of times when he was in a pinch.
A few months ago, I was down further than I ever thought I could possibly be. The only person I really had to talk to was my dad and he was an hour away. I decided to call my brother and he came right over. I believe he saved my life that day. It was that bad. And since then we hang out, go grab food, watch movies, and just share life.
Sometimes family doesn't share holidays, they don't call each other on a regular basis or see each other for years. And sometimes, when you really need them, they are there. They don't judge you, they let you cry and make your same mistakes because they understand you have to or you won't move on. Finding my family in my brother has been one of the best things to happen in a long time.
Monday, June 6, 2016
How I Learned Worlds of Fun Sometimes Parallels Life
I'm trying to do more things. Today I went to Worlds of Fun, our local amusement park with my awesome friend, Heith. I warned him I wasn't so good with the big stuff, you know, roller coasters. I'm all for almost all the other kinds of rides, I've just never been okay for the "thrill" rides. But, I'm pretty proud of myself. I rode The Patriot, twice. I mean, I didn't open my eyes or anything, but I did like the way it hugged me.
Heith kept asking me what I didn't like about the other rides. I always thought that it was the heights, but I'm kinda okay with most of that. I love the ferris wheel. (But never, ever, ever will I go on the Steelhawk, too high man, too high.) Maybe the speed? But after a conversation revealing I usually drive faster than these rides go, well that probably wasn't it. However, I don't drive in super tight curves, nor with drops causing my belly to be all butterflied and wobbly.
My anxiety got the best of me and I had to beg my way out of riding one of the other roller coasters, twice. It really bothered me, tied me up in knots. The second time I thought I would be able to ride it, but I just couldn't. Next time, I'll try again.
After I got home, I thought about it a little bit. There are things in life that we fear because of not really knowing what's going happen. And that's what it is, isn't it? We might have an idea of a little of what will happen, like with the rides. I know that I'm going to tense up, I'm going to be extremely uncomfortable and my heart will race. And that feeling of falling...I don't like it. I really don't. Will it make me sick? Will I get so anxious it could cause problems?
Now, apply that to life. When change happens, we don't know what to expect. Things are now unfamiliar. We may think we have a point of reference, but sometimes experience doesn't always apply. Then we worry about the unknown, our fight or flight response can become triggered. If not, we may just stay in our own heads, not able to get out of them, no matter how much help we get from others, friends or family or professionals.
Being frightened of the rides is much like being frightened of changes in our lives. Who knew you could learn something from an amusement park to apply to bigger aspects of life?
Today I ate: some glazed chocolate Munchkins, QT coffee, various sodas, veggie sandwich
Today I bought: nothing!
 |
| The Patriot - Park photo from website. |
Heith kept asking me what I didn't like about the other rides. I always thought that it was the heights, but I'm kinda okay with most of that. I love the ferris wheel. (But never, ever, ever will I go on the Steelhawk, too high man, too high.) Maybe the speed? But after a conversation revealing I usually drive faster than these rides go, well that probably wasn't it. However, I don't drive in super tight curves, nor with drops causing my belly to be all butterflied and wobbly.
My anxiety got the best of me and I had to beg my way out of riding one of the other roller coasters, twice. It really bothered me, tied me up in knots. The second time I thought I would be able to ride it, but I just couldn't. Next time, I'll try again.
After I got home, I thought about it a little bit. There are things in life that we fear because of not really knowing what's going happen. And that's what it is, isn't it? We might have an idea of a little of what will happen, like with the rides. I know that I'm going to tense up, I'm going to be extremely uncomfortable and my heart will race. And that feeling of falling...I don't like it. I really don't. Will it make me sick? Will I get so anxious it could cause problems?
Now, apply that to life. When change happens, we don't know what to expect. Things are now unfamiliar. We may think we have a point of reference, but sometimes experience doesn't always apply. Then we worry about the unknown, our fight or flight response can become triggered. If not, we may just stay in our own heads, not able to get out of them, no matter how much help we get from others, friends or family or professionals.
Being frightened of the rides is much like being frightened of changes in our lives. Who knew you could learn something from an amusement park to apply to bigger aspects of life?
Today I ate: some glazed chocolate Munchkins, QT coffee, various sodas, veggie sandwich
Today I bought: nothing!
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