I'm Going to Make My Own Damn Underwear

Yeah, seriously. I can't keep spending money on poorly made and badly proportioned undies, no matter how much I love them.

These are my current favorites.  I get them from Torrid.  You know, the big girl store.  And while I'm extremely happy to have to purchase their smallest size, I'm irritated that they are $15 a fricking pair and last about as long a disposable gown from the hospital.

Don't let the pic fool, there's floss between them thighs.

I have at least 6 pairs of them...and every single pair comes apart at the seam.  EVERY DAMN ONE.  Hello, ever thought about only cutting whole pair in one piece and just sewing up the sides??  Oh and they also have a crotch that's about .5 inch wide.  Um hello, this is from the BIG GIRL store.  Even if I were super skinny, that space from thigh to thigh is NOT going to lose width.  If I wanted to floss my nethers, well, I'd just not.  So, I'm gonna start making my own.


Today I ate: SUSHI!!!!
Today I (will buy): a ticket to see Now You See Me 2

I Want To Live Smaller

I want to live in a tiny house. Seriously. Have you seen these?  They are fucking awesome.  And I feel like if I had a tiny house with just enough room to be, then maybe it would help with the shopping issue...maybe. I think so. Probably.  I almost think perhaps a hypnotist is in order. 

I couldn't do a super tiny house, like some are less than 100 square feet!!  I would feel too claustrophobic and unsafe. Plus, I do need some room to work on my art or sewing.  I just can't do it sitting in my chair or on the couch all the time. I also need one with the bedroom separate..I just like having that distance between where I sleep and where I do other things.

I love visiting Tiny House Swoon and Tiny House Listings.  It's pure window shopping or wishlisting for what I hope to someday live in. 

tinyhousebasics.com

The pic above is one from a great tiny house that is about 224 sq ft. I like that the table is built onto the wall and is long. This would be a perfect setting for my sewing machines. Plenty of room for cutting and sturdy enough for the motor of the machines.  It also looks out a window so that natural is available as well as a view.  If I get tired sewing or crafting eyes, I just stop and watch what's going on outside! 

shinytinymansion.com

This one is too cool as well, but is 450 sq ft. While I'd rather have more work area than knick knack display, this is the kind of place that would give me a sense of space with the separations of the major living areas, but yet fill my need to scale my life down.  I do love all the colors they use and think they lend to the vibrancy of the space.

Even with all the weirdness my mind gives me each day, I'm drawn more and more to these tiny houses.  Sometimes I think it would be a great business venture to partner with a company to work on a tiny house housing development.  We have all these cul-de-sacs and neighborhoods with gigantic houses being built.  They take a lot of land, a lot of money and a lot of resources.  I would love to have a neighborhood that not only had a slew of tiny house but perhaps a neighborhood garden as well.  That would be me my ideal neighborhood.

Today I ate: eggs, potatoes, bagel, oj, coffee, Dr. Pepper, vegan pizza, crunchy corn bran, snack size candy bars

Today I bought: nothing

All This And More

I'm a glutton for punishment. We're broke up. We really are. We are friends. Best friends. But it makes things weird right now.  I have my addictions. Food is one. The other is feeling wanted. 

I'm contemplating moving after graduation. I graduate on May 16th. Less than a month. But I have criteria. Must be near a M.A.D.E. league. Must be somewhere that I can actually picture myself living, so not like Texas or Utah. I dunno. I feel like things are going to be horrible instead of awesome.

Is it supposed to be like this? I don't know. I've never been at this point in life, ever, cause how could I have been? I'll be 38 this year. I can't really grasp it. When you are in your teens and 20s you can't imagine that by the time you're almost 40 you still won't know what you want from life. I mean, I know what I want to do with bits and pieces of it. I know that I love reffing roller derby. I love making art in one form or another. I know that deep in my heart the Pagan path was the right one for me.

I'm pretty sure I never want to be married again. I'm pretty sure I want to always work with something in non-profit. I'm pretty sure giving up smoking was a good idea.

I think.

I dunno. I'm unsure a lot. Like, teenager unsure. Like, about 85% of the time. Just keeping it real ya'll. I watch Louis C.K. and want to yell "HOW AM I THE FEMALE VERSION OF YOU?"

Found on Google...

Today I ate: veggie pot pie, vegan cookie, sushi, miso soup, cheesecake filling, spicy bbq chips, coffee with half & half

Today I bought: snacks, cereal

Derby Days Are Here Again!

Have I mentioned I referee roller derby?  I'm sure I have *nudge nudge wink wink*.  I know I didn't post nearly enough in February...but between school and scrimmages...I've been swamped.  I've got a paper due in two weeks, will have 2 midterms that same week.  Then one more class added in the last 8 weeks. THEN GRADUATION!!!

But enough about that.  Derby.  Blood, sweat, tears, bruises, twists, breaks.  Derby.  This past weekend I reffed 5 bouts in less than 24 hours.  It would have been more but I hurt my ankle and knee after being way-layed by skaters in two different games. I got nothing on our head ref though, he now has THEE prettiest eggplant colored bruise that covers the majority of a butt cheek and partial thigh.  He was way-layed by skaters twice in the SAME bout and then by a chair in another.  In his defense, he was skating backwards..show-off!

Friday night's two bouts were for the Blacksnake Roller Girls in St. Joseph, MO.  It's my hometown, my papa and one of my four sisters showed up.  It was awesome to see them and great to get some time on skates before Saturday.

My Dad, Me and sis, Emily!

Saturday was opening day for Fountain City Roller Derby!!!  FIVE bouts at Hale Arena in Kansas City!  All of our teams played, concluding with a bout against Benton County Roller Derby from Arkansas!  As refs, we play every jam. No rest except for between periods and half-time.  So on a day with five bouts, it was kinda silly to ref two the night before, but I love it.  And FCRD loves us.  A special Zebra Den was put together for us with water, snacks and chairs.  It was glorious.

Thanks FCRD for the pic.

Oh look, you can see some of us arriving for our long day.  I spy One Hit Thunder, Aaron Grievances, Bitter Sweets, me and Hellbilly Delux.  I also think I spy Mr Roboto...

Thanks FCRD for the pic!

Today I ate a chocolate chip scone, coffee, PB&J sandwich, grapefruit, apple, cherry tomatoes, pumpkin chocolate chip muffin, Spicy Indian vegan burgers on bread.

Today I bought nothing (but I've bought so many other things since the last post: various subscription boxes, tent, air mattress, new derby pads, sweaters, shoes).

You Had One Fucking Job

At least that's how I feel a lot of the time.  As a woman, I've grown up with a lot of guilt because my body apparently can't do the one thing it should..make a baby. I struggle with this. A lot.  I get sad, I feel pretty worthless.  Every other Wal-Mart catastrophe can spit out a line of kids like a Pez dispenser, but me? Nope.

I know there are lots of women out there who have gone through the struggle, who have spent WAY more money on trying than I ever have or will.  My story is not one of tens of thousands of dollars going down the (Fallopian) tubes.  My story is about the utter uselessness felt because of how society portrays women as the main caregiver and protector of children.  Our main function, so society-media-propaganda, would have have you believe is to make more humans.  Whether or not you work or anything else, your worth as a woman is based on what you contribute to the world, spawn-wise.

SOME of my nieces and nephews with Grandpa.

For a good chunk of my life all I wanted was to be a mom. I got to be for a little while to my step-son, but making a mini-me is not in my cards.  It's probably just as well.  I can very logically list all the reasons I should be grateful I don't have any kids. I also have MANY nieces and nephews that I can probably borrow if I wanted to have some kids around to do awesome things with like bake yummy goodies, paint pictures, go fun places.  Then I'm the SUPER COOL auntie.

But that worthless feeling is there. Underneath.  So much of the time.  That one basic thing that women do, make life, I can't.  It's almost soul crushing sometimes.


Today I ate: oatmeal, almond milk, cherry tomatoes, cheese & crackers, grapefruit, banana, Boulevard Wheat, nachos, cheesecake.

Today I bought: HSA registration, tent, air mattress, box subscription, Valentine present

Today Was A Great Day

When I started roller derby in 2013, I did not pass my basic skills. I was then, and am still, out of shape to the point that I cannot pass certain skills.  I also am still attending school in addition to working, so I don't have as much time to dedicate to practicing and building my skills.  I am, however, building friendships.  I must apologize now if there are grammatical or spelling errors, I am full of Mothers Lil' Helper, as well as Captain Morgans Spiced Rum and Pepsi. 

There are a group of us who did not pass the skills last year.  We started a group called the Wolf Pack, which is not an official DGD/FCRD group.  We encouraged each other and work towards the goal of passing our skills.

This year we invited any 2014 Fresh Meat who did not pass to join us. 

As you know, I moved recently into my own place.  Tonight, I invited my Wolf Pack over for a night of camaraderie  and Cards Against Humanity.  This forced me to get my ass in gear and put my place together a little better.  So I did. I unpacked a little more and did some decorating.

My altar.

Reading area.

Work space.

We had a great time.  Everyone brought yummies and something to drink.  We had some big fun with the CAH and I'm ready to buy expansion packs and have everyone back.

Wolfies.

I miss them already, now that they are all heading home.  I got to know a few of them better.  I'm glad they are friends and hope they are too.  All I can say about it is "Spaghettisburg Address!"

Today I ate: sofritas burrito, smoothie, part of a veggie cutlet, some veggie pinwheels, Mothers Lil' Helper, Rum & Pepsi.

Today I bought: vitamins, food, Ref dress, book.

I Can See the Resemblance

My Uncle Rodney had piercing blue eyes.  So bright.  Much brighter than my own which tend towards gray more often than blue.  He was the younger brother of my Mamaw (grandma Dorothy) and our family resemblance is undeniable.

Mamaw Dorothy

Me

Uncle Rodney

Uncle Rodney died last week and such as is the fate of those who don't live in the same town, it was not known to me until last night.  My dad forgot to call until he saw three of my sisters at the visitation in the evening.  The funeral was this morning. Luckily, we had enough staff at work that I could leave and made it in time.  I was very glad that I was able to go, but I was sad that I wasn't able to sing for him.  When Mamaw died in 2001, I sang her favorite hymn at the funeral.  Uncle Rodney loved it and made me promise I would sing for him as well.  Unfortunately, due to the circumstances I was not able to.

I haven't seen him except for at mostly funerals since then and the last time was in August at my Aunt's.  He was so frail and wasn't sure who I was.  I didn't know this was because he had Alzheimer's.  My memories of him are of work he did at my grandmother's house..helping my dad put in a water heater; installing a bathroom on the first floor when she couldn't go upstairs easily anymore.  He looked so much like his sister that for awhile it really hurt, as well made me very happy, when I would see him after she died.

Today I ate an apple, cheese stick, coffee, corn casserole, green beans, macaroni salad, brownie, Sofritas burrito, 2 Jamaican ginger ales.

Today I bought a Buffy trade paperback, Laurell K Hamilton book on cd, TARDIS car magnet and a new knee support.

It's All About The Water

My weight has been up and down since I was in middle school.  I had never been a fan of exercise and eating was always good.  I do tend to take after my grandmother on my dad's side, shape-wise.  I'm kind of a block.  It's probably why I love corsets so much, they give me such a nice shape. But there was a time that I was very sad and didn't want to eat...I barely had an ice cream cone every day and I worked in a grocery store.  Regularly I was carrying around 50 and 100 lb bags of flour or rice; I was stocking shelves, always on my feet.  I was getting pretty slim.  Then, when I felt better, I wanted to stay that way.  So, I would throw up.  But that shit hurt!  Until I made sure I drank lots of water. LOTS of water...that made it so much easier..but I really didn't look very healthy.

This is me right after my nephew was born. Right before I got married.  I was 135lb. I was tiny. But then I stopped with the puking.  Harvey Fierstein would be so sad for me...





What I've found out lately..is that water still helps, but because I'm drinking it more often, not as a lubricant.  I've tried many things in my life and I'm still floundering...

Today I ate a falafel and baba ganoush sandwich, french fries, Chipotle Sorfritas burrito and a Barq's root beer.

Today I bought an office chair, silverware, pizza cutter, tee shirt, ankle support.

Celebrating Imbolc Early

Today my circle celebrated Imbolc.  I wrote the ritual (with assistance from various books written by people more knowledgeable than me) and we did crafts to celebrate including carving into a self-dedication candle and making binding knots for protection.

Here are two pictures.  The first is in color.  I chose the Orange candle because it represents the following things: Attraction, Encouragement, Stimulation, fire and Courage.  These are what I want to dedicate for my personal path this year.  I also carved these words, a couple of runes and a few of my endeavors for this year into it.

The b&w photo makes it a little easier to see the carving.

I also sent home a crafting kit with each to make Priapic Wands. I love my circle because we always try to make sure that we have crafting to do or some sort of fun participatory event.  We also did a Bardic Circle, each of us sharing a joke or song or quote.  I unleashed my awesome green golf balls joke on them.  It was a blast.

I almost thought none of this would get to happen.  I ended up leaving work 45 minutes late.  I still needed to run to Mystic Treasures to pick up some Amethyst to hand out and go home to cook my contribution to the potluck.  When I got to my apartment, it was surrounded by KCP&L trucks and there was a crew with a shit-ton of cables out of the ground between my building and the next.  I overheard them tell a neighbor they couldn't give an exact time on when they'd be done.  I couldn't cook or print out my ritual or anything.  I felt pretty defeated.  But with the help of my friend Marietta and her husband Aaron..it was all good.  She had an early draft of the ritual I had sent to her that she printed out and he cooked up some mushrooms that I picked up from the store on my way over.  It was a great night and the power was back on when I got home.

Yesterday and today I ate: soy cappuccino, apple, 1/4 Jimmy John's veggie sub, Chipotle Sofritas Burrito, sleeve of graham crackers, bowl of cereal, 1/2 cheese sandwich, carrots and cherry tomatoes, cottage cheese, bag of Twix Bites, mushrooms, wild rice, corn casserole.

Yesterday and today I bought: Amethyst.

This Will Be TMI

I'm a woman who has tried not to buy in to that whole "girls who like sex are just dirty whores or sluts."  I've never hidden the fact that I enjoy sex.  Until I was married and then made to feel like my past was something I should be ashamed of by my husband.  I may have enjoyed myself with various people, but I least I wasn't repeatedly cheating on my spouse!

I used to work at Priscilla's (now Cirilla's) and I had a good time, when I wasn't yelling at our misogynistic boss.  I enjoy a good dirty joke, and there isn't a double entendre I haven't made. 

Apparently I have this effect on those I'm with...they no longer want anything to do with me.  It's gradual.  With my husband, he was just a cheater.  He cheated on his first wife.  He cheated on me (#2) and most likely cheats on the third one.  My current boyfriend and I had a great intimate relationship for about the first two years...then it dwindled.  It was still great, when it happened, but those times got fewer and fewer.  Now, there are months that go by without so much as a peck.

I miss sex.  I miss snuggling up next to someone exhausted, sweaty and spent.  I miss waking up and doing it all over again.

Yesterday and today I ate: vegan garlic cheese bread, 1/2 a vegan pizza, 2 sleeves of graham crackers, a cheesestick, 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy latte, 2-23oz Boulevard Wheats, cherry tomatoes, carrots, cheese sandwich, apple, cottage cheese, Chipotle veggie burrito.

Yesterday and today I bought: a cardigan, a tee-shirt, 3 books, a stuffed stick pirate and a case for my tablet.

Ode to Tina Belcher

Uuuunnnhhhhhhhh!

Spixie Drawer comes to a halt at her station on the outside of the track, red whistle held lightly between her lips, waiting for the next jam when she feels it.  Could it be?  Yes.  The round magnificence of a butt, right up against her very own.  She looks back over her shoulder, ooooh, not just a butt, but Ira's butt.  Sure, he was busy talking to others behind her, but his behind was making nice with hers. She looks back across to the starting line. Skaters were moving into position, Reftractor was conferring with a coach.  Yes.  There was time.  The shimmying begins, back to back, butt to butt.

Then, Reftractor is back to position. The whistle blows. The jam begins. The butt shimmy ends as abruptly as it begins, leaving Spixie with the warmest butt she's had all day.***

Sometimes, I have a moment of brilliance.  My ode to Tina Belcher's Erotic Friend Fiction, I feel, is one.

It came to me while I was in the car. A welcome change from my mind's meanderings of late. Most of my ideas seem to come when I'm driving, which sucks.  I'm usually not near anywhere to pull over and I never remember what it was once I got home.  I would just remember that I had a good idea.  In an effort to combat this, I downloaded a voice recorder app, but I was busy on the highway and about to exit, so I couldn't really use it.  Luckily, I was almost to Chipotle. And I could see the line was long, as usual. I whipped out my trusty Moleskine and began to write.  A glance in both directions told me I was looking pretty anachronistic as everyone else had a glowing screen.  Tonight, I was not one of them, I was a wielder of pen and paper.  And this ode is my gift to you.

Today I bought tickets to see Father John Misty at the Grenada in April.
Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a venti soy cappuccino, 2 single serve Quik Trip cheesecakes, a Chipotle Sofritas burrito.


***based on a true story!

I like to drive

But only when I'm not working through things.  I mentioned earlier that I think my relationship is about to end.  I've just got a feeling, so every time I'm not occupied with something else, then my mind immediately goes to the grieving of what I'm losing. It's stupid.

School just started for the semester.  My last for my Bachelors.  I'm ready to be done with this aspect of my life. It's time to move on to the next bit.

I found out my ex-husband had a baby recently with his third wife (I was his second).  That's nice for them..but maybe they could have named it something that WE hadn't decided upon when we were trying to have kids.  I can't have any, by the way.  I say it's okay because I have 17 nieces and nephews.  Yes, 17.  

I finally got back on skates tonight!  It was great.  I was worried because I fell down some stairs about a month ago, but my ankle was just a little sore.  This is awesome. I really need to skate more.  Tonight was scrimmage night for all of our teams except our travel team.  I got to see all my favorite people.  It was nice.

I'm taking lots of Vitamin D3, as directed by my doctor...it's not helping with the sadness.

I think that I'm not eating as much as usual, either because subconsciously I'm all, "I'm gonna write that in the blog" or because I'm going further down my rabbit hole.  The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for days. I just didn't feel like it.  That normally doesn't happen.  Normally, I just eat and shop.  I listen to tv and eat and do something else.  But I never not eat.  It doesn't really matter.

I should really do homework.  The first bit is due Friday.  I probably won't until tomorrow night.

Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy cappuccino, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, carrots, cherry tomatoes, jalapeno cheese stick, 2 black bean sliders, some Thai potato chips, juice, hot & spicy ramen.  

Today I bought nothing.

Pagan Panty Drop

That was the best line from tonight's coffee coven.  The Kansas City Witches Meetup Group has various coffee covens throughout the greater metropolitan area.  The Liberty one is closest to me and tonight I went to my first one.  It was fun.  Lot's of just shooting the shit with some great people. It was nice.

Tomorrow I go back to derby.  I do love it. I love reffing.  I've always been kind of a person who likes to know how things should be, so being a ref is right up my alley.  I love my fellow refs, not just the girls that I started Fresh Meat with in the fall of 2014, but also the others who have been in derby for a lot longer than I.  I have a new helmet, mostly because I've had a few knocks to the noggin from a rink floor...never do shopping carts with a vet when you can barely keep your balance as it is.  The back of my head bounced a couple of times because I couldn't keep my feet under me.  The clincher though, was when, as a pack ref I was waylayed by a jam ref going full speed and bounced the front of my head off a concrete floor at M.A.D.E Nationals.  Even though my helmet took the impact, I still had a knot on my forehead.  It. Was. Awesome.  I got a pretty one!

We play M.A.D.E. rules, so there is no soul crushing.  However, the sticker is fan-fucking-tastic and I had to have it. You can get your own at Rrrshop from Bruise Fairy.  She's a great skater and has awesome stuff in her shop. 

Today started out on down note, work was bearable.  It ended pretty good at the coffee coven.

Today I ate oatmeal, OJ, coffee, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, cherry tomatoes, carrots, a sleeve of graham crackers, a Chipotle veggie burrito and half a glass of Pepsi.

Today I didn't buy anything, but I am about to.  Microphones for my new podcast endeavor.

Indian Food Cures Almost Anything...

Except feeling depressed.  So strange how that can creep up on you.  Possibly take over your life if you can't fight it off.  I've been lucky up to now..I can keep it at bay for the most part. I know the spiel.  I have a job and a place to live and plenty to eat (too much).  I have no reason to be depressed. I have a boyfriend.  I play roller derby with a lot of awesome people.  I have a circle with whom I practice my spiritual beliefs.

My job is alright but I would like one that didn't expect me to work 90+ hours every two weeks.  Yeah, my salary may be the equivalent of just over 2x mimimum wage, but once you factor in all the extra hours and then take out my deductions (taxes and minimal insurances) I bring home just about minimum wage.  As I say repeatedly, I work to live, not vice versa. I'm looking for other work..just can't find it yet.  Guess it's a good thing I graduate in May and will finally have a Bachelors.  Let's hope that helps. 

I recently moved out from having lived with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 years.  We didn't break up, though I'm not sure that's off the table.  I hope it is.

My circle is awesome.  We celebrate all the sabbats,(you can see some here) but any other get together type stuff usually happens when I'm at work.

Roller derby is back up and going after a month long hiatus, but I haven't made it back to practice..

I went out for Indian buffet today at Swagat.  I only had one plate though.  Not a lot I wanted to eat.

Today I ate one plate at the Indian buffet, a sleeve of cinnamon graham crackers with milk, some spicy banana chips, four scrambled eggs with cheese and a 12oz bottle of Natural Brew draft root beer.

Today I bought...well...see for yourself

I'm Not Sure They're Addictions

If addicting behaviour is pre-determined based on genetics, then I'm sure I could be.  I just don't feel like I am because I can NOT eat everything or buy everything.  That's what I like to do though. I can't even remember what I bought today, but I know I bought something.  I didn't even need whatever it was...oh yeah, it was bowls and saki cups from this awesome store called Yoki that sells Japanese items.  I didn't need those things. Last week I ate a whole cheesecake over a couple of days. I didn't go to practice at all for the last two weeks. I feel like Murtaugh from the Lethal Weapon movies, you know, "I'm too old for this shit."  

I'm fucking 37! (In a row!)  Yet, I still feel like a teenager with no direction in life.  I thought by this point I was supposed to have this great freeing epiphany.  The whole, "I'm almost 40 and adulting like I should and I approach everything with logic and brains instead of heart and emotion." I was also supposed to have an idea of what I want to do for a career.  I'm just now finishing my BA in Liberal Arts (I've changed my major so much, it's all I could do to used my credits). I used student loans to supplement my income, for the majority of them I needed it because my ex kept quitting jobs.  These last few, the extra helped pay off some credit.  I 'know' what I should be doing and why, I just don't quite make it there.

Today, I only had some pizza and breadsticks. It was a long day.