It's Been So Long

I'm right back where I was.  It's been a year since I blogged last.  I stopped because I thought things were better.  I was wrong.  The last year has been hell.

I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me.

It's been on again, off again with my ex.  I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them.  It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying.  He hasn't done anything different except meet other women.  He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me.  I can't parse any of that.  I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us.  

My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of.  I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains.  Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore.

I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them.

Got a new job in August.  I love it.  I actually like going to work.  Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job.  It just has to do with life.

I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is?  Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous.

I don't like any of this.