Tonight a friend asked me which fictional character I identified with. We had been discussing Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (my favorite tv show). And I think it's Anya. For those of you who don't know, she was a human done wrong by her man, became a vengeance demon for 1000 years and because of a bad deal became human again. We see her re-learn to feel human emotions. She falls in love, feels hurt, can't understand why humans don't just say what they mean and basically be very blunt. But the moment she shines as truly human is when Buffy's mom dies. She doesn't understand. She doesn't know what to do or how to deal with it.
A lot of the time, I just want people to explain why to me. Why can't we help poor people? Why can't we take care of our veterans? Why can't people have access to healthcare? Why does everyone leave me? Yeah. I went there. I'm pretty obsessed with that right now. But no one will ever tell me why. They just expect me to understand like it's blatantly obvious. I feel like Anya a lot these days.
I'm right back where I was. It's been a year since I blogged last. I stopped because I thought things were better. I was wrong. The last year has been hell. I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me. It's been on again, off again with my ex. I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them. It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying. He hasn't done anything different except meet other women. He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me. I can't parse any of that. I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us. My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of. I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains. Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore. I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them. Got a new job in August. I love it. I actually like going to work. Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job. It just has to do with life. I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is? Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous. I don't like any of this.
A few months ago, I wrote about breaking up my long-time partner. We had met on Memorial Day 2010. We spent almost everyday together until we moved in together in 2011. Over the last couple of months we both made strides in changing things about ourselves that had helped cause the problems in our relationship. Except for the most important one: lack of communication. I felt we were on a road to reconciliation, he evidently felt we are on the road to being best friends and seeing others. Last week, he began to see someone else. The first few days I cried myself into dehydration. My friends have been awesome. I've spent time with them every day since Tuesday. As I've fluctuated between being a depressed, sad woman and consciously trying to see this as a good change that I can grow from, I feel almost as if I were constantly on a see-saw. After almost a week, I can stop, collect myself and see the flaws in us, individually and together. When I'm in my 'higher mind' I can look at the last five years and say..well we were with each other as long as we needed to be and were able to show each other what each still needed to fix in ourselves. I argue badly. I don't have a fuse, I have a rip-cord. I am angry immediately. I blow up. I scream, I holler. I don't like it. It makes me more angry and frustrated. I cry, I resort to letting out everything I think is wrong, not just whatever is at the moment. I'm working on this. I went to a counselor a few times, then she retired. I'm now trying to learn to meditate. My heart though...why couldn't we have worked on these things and gotten back together? There was so much that we did for each other. We helped each other heal after horrible divorces. We loved each other fully and solely. I regained my self-confidence. I began to believe in myself again, because he championed that I should do so. He wasn't perfect. Neither was I. I hope she can make him happy. Today I ate: burrito, piece of birthday cake, 3 beers Today I bought: birthday presents for my nephews
