I'm Going to Make My Own Damn Underwear

Yeah, seriously. I can't keep spending money on poorly made and badly proportioned undies, no matter how much I love them.

These are my current favorites.  I get them from Torrid.  You know, the big girl store.  And while I'm extremely happy to have to purchase their smallest size, I'm irritated that they are $15 a fricking pair and last about as long a disposable gown from the hospital.

Don't let the pic fool, there's floss between them thighs.

I have at least 6 pairs of them...and every single pair comes apart at the seam.  EVERY DAMN ONE.  Hello, ever thought about only cutting whole pair in one piece and just sewing up the sides??  Oh and they also have a crotch that's about .5 inch wide.  Um hello, this is from the BIG GIRL store.  Even if I were super skinny, that space from thigh to thigh is NOT going to lose width.  If I wanted to floss my nethers, well, I'd just not.  So, I'm gonna start making my own.


Today I ate: SUSHI!!!!
Today I (will buy): a ticket to see Now You See Me 2

It's All About The Water

My weight has been up and down since I was in middle school.  I had never been a fan of exercise and eating was always good.  I do tend to take after my grandmother on my dad's side, shape-wise.  I'm kind of a block.  It's probably why I love corsets so much, they give me such a nice shape. But there was a time that I was very sad and didn't want to eat...I barely had an ice cream cone every day and I worked in a grocery store.  Regularly I was carrying around 50 and 100 lb bags of flour or rice; I was stocking shelves, always on my feet.  I was getting pretty slim.  Then, when I felt better, I wanted to stay that way.  So, I would throw up.  But that shit hurt!  Until I made sure I drank lots of water. LOTS of water...that made it so much easier..but I really didn't look very healthy.

This is me right after my nephew was born. Right before I got married.  I was 135lb. I was tiny. But then I stopped with the puking.  Harvey Fierstein would be so sad for me...





What I've found out lately..is that water still helps, but because I'm drinking it more often, not as a lubricant.  I've tried many things in my life and I'm still floundering...

Today I ate a falafel and baba ganoush sandwich, french fries, Chipotle Sorfritas burrito and a Barq's root beer.

Today I bought an office chair, silverware, pizza cutter, tee shirt, ankle support.

I like to drive

But only when I'm not working through things.  I mentioned earlier that I think my relationship is about to end.  I've just got a feeling, so every time I'm not occupied with something else, then my mind immediately goes to the grieving of what I'm losing. It's stupid.

School just started for the semester.  My last for my Bachelors.  I'm ready to be done with this aspect of my life. It's time to move on to the next bit.

I found out my ex-husband had a baby recently with his third wife (I was his second).  That's nice for them..but maybe they could have named it something that WE hadn't decided upon when we were trying to have kids.  I can't have any, by the way.  I say it's okay because I have 17 nieces and nephews.  Yes, 17.  

I finally got back on skates tonight!  It was great.  I was worried because I fell down some stairs about a month ago, but my ankle was just a little sore.  This is awesome. I really need to skate more.  Tonight was scrimmage night for all of our teams except our travel team.  I got to see all my favorite people.  It was nice.

I'm taking lots of Vitamin D3, as directed by my doctor...it's not helping with the sadness.

I think that I'm not eating as much as usual, either because subconsciously I'm all, "I'm gonna write that in the blog" or because I'm going further down my rabbit hole.  The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for days. I just didn't feel like it.  That normally doesn't happen.  Normally, I just eat and shop.  I listen to tv and eat and do something else.  But I never not eat.  It doesn't really matter.

I should really do homework.  The first bit is due Friday.  I probably won't until tomorrow night.

Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy cappuccino, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, carrots, cherry tomatoes, jalapeno cheese stick, 2 black bean sliders, some Thai potato chips, juice, hot & spicy ramen.  

Today I bought nothing.

Pagan Panty Drop

That was the best line from tonight's coffee coven.  The Kansas City Witches Meetup Group has various coffee covens throughout the greater metropolitan area.  The Liberty one is closest to me and tonight I went to my first one.  It was fun.  Lot's of just shooting the shit with some great people. It was nice.

Tomorrow I go back to derby.  I do love it. I love reffing.  I've always been kind of a person who likes to know how things should be, so being a ref is right up my alley.  I love my fellow refs, not just the girls that I started Fresh Meat with in the fall of 2014, but also the others who have been in derby for a lot longer than I.  I have a new helmet, mostly because I've had a few knocks to the noggin from a rink floor...never do shopping carts with a vet when you can barely keep your balance as it is.  The back of my head bounced a couple of times because I couldn't keep my feet under me.  The clincher though, was when, as a pack ref I was waylayed by a jam ref going full speed and bounced the front of my head off a concrete floor at M.A.D.E Nationals.  Even though my helmet took the impact, I still had a knot on my forehead.  It. Was. Awesome.  I got a pretty one!

We play M.A.D.E. rules, so there is no soul crushing.  However, the sticker is fan-fucking-tastic and I had to have it. You can get your own at Rrrshop from Bruise Fairy.  She's a great skater and has awesome stuff in her shop. 

Today started out on down note, work was bearable.  It ended pretty good at the coffee coven.

Today I ate oatmeal, OJ, coffee, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, cherry tomatoes, carrots, a sleeve of graham crackers, a Chipotle veggie burrito and half a glass of Pepsi.

Today I didn't buy anything, but I am about to.  Microphones for my new podcast endeavor.

Indian Food Cures Almost Anything...

Except feeling depressed.  So strange how that can creep up on you.  Possibly take over your life if you can't fight it off.  I've been lucky up to now..I can keep it at bay for the most part. I know the spiel.  I have a job and a place to live and plenty to eat (too much).  I have no reason to be depressed. I have a boyfriend.  I play roller derby with a lot of awesome people.  I have a circle with whom I practice my spiritual beliefs.

My job is alright but I would like one that didn't expect me to work 90+ hours every two weeks.  Yeah, my salary may be the equivalent of just over 2x mimimum wage, but once you factor in all the extra hours and then take out my deductions (taxes and minimal insurances) I bring home just about minimum wage.  As I say repeatedly, I work to live, not vice versa. I'm looking for other work..just can't find it yet.  Guess it's a good thing I graduate in May and will finally have a Bachelors.  Let's hope that helps. 

I recently moved out from having lived with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 years.  We didn't break up, though I'm not sure that's off the table.  I hope it is.

My circle is awesome.  We celebrate all the sabbats,(you can see some here) but any other get together type stuff usually happens when I'm at work.

Roller derby is back up and going after a month long hiatus, but I haven't made it back to practice..

I went out for Indian buffet today at Swagat.  I only had one plate though.  Not a lot I wanted to eat.

Today I ate one plate at the Indian buffet, a sleeve of cinnamon graham crackers with milk, some spicy banana chips, four scrambled eggs with cheese and a 12oz bottle of Natural Brew draft root beer.

Today I bought...well...see for yourself

I'm Not Sure They're Addictions

If addicting behaviour is pre-determined based on genetics, then I'm sure I could be.  I just don't feel like I am because I can NOT eat everything or buy everything.  That's what I like to do though. I can't even remember what I bought today, but I know I bought something.  I didn't even need whatever it was...oh yeah, it was bowls and saki cups from this awesome store called Yoki that sells Japanese items.  I didn't need those things. Last week I ate a whole cheesecake over a couple of days. I didn't go to practice at all for the last two weeks. I feel like Murtaugh from the Lethal Weapon movies, you know, "I'm too old for this shit."  

I'm fucking 37! (In a row!)  Yet, I still feel like a teenager with no direction in life.  I thought by this point I was supposed to have this great freeing epiphany.  The whole, "I'm almost 40 and adulting like I should and I approach everything with logic and brains instead of heart and emotion." I was also supposed to have an idea of what I want to do for a career.  I'm just now finishing my BA in Liberal Arts (I've changed my major so much, it's all I could do to used my credits). I used student loans to supplement my income, for the majority of them I needed it because my ex kept quitting jobs.  These last few, the extra helped pay off some credit.  I 'know' what I should be doing and why, I just don't quite make it there.

Today, I only had some pizza and breadsticks. It was a long day.