Sometimes, I Want the 90s Back

I spent the evening with an old friend.  He's going through a rough time.  We haven't really talked much in years, but we used to hang out a bit in the high school and a few years after.

It's strange to see him this way.  My memory is of a gregarious kid who was head over heels for a friend of ours and saw all the possibilities ahead of him for life.  Now he seems to have no will to be happy or fulfilled.

It helps me look at my life a little differently.  Sure, I'm excited about where I am, but I don't feel that I've given myself all I'll ever have to offer.  I don't see every experience as a road to disappointment.  Perhaps there's still some optimism in me yet.

I suppose I have a soft spot for that time because I was a teenager, moving into early adulthood, so those times seem bittersweet and somewhat carefree.  And the music was fucking outstanding!  Grunge/Alternative, whatever you want to call it was the music of my soul.  NIN, TOOL, Tori, PJ, Better Than Ezra, Nirvana, TMBG, Toad; I could go on.  I find myself perusing the used CD section of Vintage Stock and Half Price Books.  I'm rebuilding the collection I once sold.

I hope he finds some peace of mind and his own value of himself TO himself and to others.  I hope I can keep mine and be an example that it can happen.

Family

Family means different things to different people. For some it's only biological relations, others it's the friends you meet along the way that become your family.  And sometimes, it starts out as biological relations, disintegrates, and you find them again along the way. 

At the age of nine, my parents split up. My mom took us five kids with her to a tiny one bedroom apartment.  My dad went to my grandma's. 

Two months before the split.

I'm a daddy's girl and after a few months, I went with him. He got full custody of me; my mom got my four younger siblings.  It was not until two years later that I learned that she had the same arrangement for me as my dad for them - every other weekend and every other holiday.  I didn't know, because she never exercised that right.  However, as I grew up she would complain and harass my dad every time he was late picking them up.  A few times I moved in with her and spent a few months with my siblings.  I didn't grow up with them.  In the next few years dad fathered two more boys, marrying one of the mothers, who brought a young daughter into our mix.  I am the oldest of eight in total.

Everybody but me and Everett.

Being 10 years older than my youngest sister and 15 years older than my youngest brother (the only two who lived with me) assured that I would feel almost like an only child.  Over the years, I'd see my siblings, having moved back and forth between parents, but I don't feel like we ever bonded like some siblings do.  Once I was an adult and they started getting older there was a lot of contention between some of us.  To this day we don't talk much.  Usually I see any of them when it's holiday time and mostly because of my 17 nieces and nephews.

I moved to KC again in 2011.  I believe my brother, Josiah, moved here around that time or even before then.  Prior to last year, we hung out maybe once.  He's five years younger than me and a foot taller.  Totally full of Leffler swagger and father to only one of my many nieces. He helped me move a year and a half ago, and I've watched Maddie a couple of times when he was in a pinch.

A few months ago, I was down further than I ever thought I could possibly be.  The only person I really had to talk to was my dad and he was an hour away.  I decided to call my brother and he came right over.  I believe he saved my life that day.  It was that bad.  And since then we hang out, go grab food, watch movies, and just share life.  

Sometimes family doesn't share holidays, they don't call each other on a regular basis or see each other for years.  And sometimes, when you really need them, they are there.  They don't judge you, they let you cry and make your same mistakes because they understand you have to or you won't move on.  Finding my family in my brother has been one of the best things to happen in a long time.

How I Learned Worlds of Fun Sometimes Parallels Life

I'm trying to do more things. Today I went to Worlds of Fun, our local amusement park with my awesome friend, Heith. I warned him I wasn't so good with the big stuff, you know, roller coasters. I'm all for almost all the other kinds of rides, I've just never been okay for the "thrill" rides. But, I'm pretty proud of myself. I rode The Patriot, twice. I mean, I didn't open my eyes or anything, but I did like the way it hugged me.

The Patriot - Park photo from website.

Heith kept asking me what I didn't like about the other rides.  I always thought that it was the heights, but I'm kinda okay with most of that. I love the ferris wheel. (But never, ever, ever will I go on the Steelhawk, too high man, too high.) Maybe the speed? But after a conversation revealing I usually drive faster than these rides go, well that probably wasn't it. However, I don't drive in super tight curves, nor with drops causing my belly to be all butterflied and wobbly. 

My anxiety got the best of me and I had to beg my way out of riding one of the other roller coasters, twice. It really bothered me, tied me up in knots. The second time I thought I would be able to ride it, but I just couldn't. Next time, I'll try again.

After I got home, I thought about it a little bit. There are things in life that we fear because of not really knowing what's going happen. And that's what it is, isn't it? We might have an idea of a little of what will happen, like with the rides. I know that I'm going to tense up, I'm going to be extremely uncomfortable and my heart will race. And that feeling of falling...I don't like it. I really don't. Will it make me sick? Will I get so anxious it could cause problems?  

Now, apply that to life. When change happens, we don't know what to expect. Things are now unfamiliar. We may think we have a point of reference, but sometimes experience doesn't always apply.  Then we worry about the unknown, our fight or flight response can become triggered. If not, we may just stay in our own heads, not able to get out of them, no matter how much help we get from others, friends or family or professionals. 

Being frightened of the rides is much like being frightened of changes in our lives. Who knew you could learn something from an amusement park to apply to bigger aspects of life?


Today I ate: some glazed chocolate Munchkins, QT coffee, various sodas, veggie sandwich

Today I bought: nothing!

Come Fight My Knights

In the last year I did something I always wanted to do, I started working at Kansas City Renaissance Festival. I've always wanted to, but never really had the guts or know how to get involved.  Even though many of my friends of more than 20 years have worked there probably that long.  It ended up taking a friend from the derbs to get me into it.  Hi Ho Silver, an awesome gal on the Royal Pains saw a post I shared from the faire saying they were hiring and how I always wanted to do that.  Welllll, she was a camp follower for the Yeomen Bodyguard living history group..you know, those stoic men in black that guard the king and queen, and could hook me up.

Photo courtesy of Mark Leaver.

I came to a few of their practices last summer and signed on.  I mean, c'mon, who wouldn't?  I get to traipse around in corsets, surrounded by men in tights!  Plus, not only are they super cool, but it's actually still an active branch of the British Military...check out this site or this one for more info.  Come to the festival and walk by our camp and you'll probably hear me shouting in one of my many accents, "Come fight one of my knights!"

They are some of the best people I know.  I count them as some of my best friends.  Just last night, there was practice (one must always be ready for combat) and afterwards the normal camaraderie.  I've never been great at asking for help when I need it, but last night a couple of my knights let me know that they knew I needed them and to not shy away from coming to them.  I don't think they know how much they mean to me...well, actually they should as I'll be cooking for them next season and that means cooking animals even though I'm a vegetarian...but anyway, seriously, it meant the world.  I know that if I ever needed someone, I could reach out to any of them and they'd be there for me.

During Norman Medieval Fair, a panorama of awesome.

Today I ate: 2 chocolate chip cookies, veggie chimichanga and 3 Peanut Butter Sandwich Girl Scout cookies.

Today I bought: Season Pass to Worlds Of Fun

It's Been So Long

I'm right back where I was.  It's been a year since I blogged last.  I stopped because I thought things were better.  I was wrong.  The last year has been hell.

I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me.

It's been on again, off again with my ex.  I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them.  It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying.  He hasn't done anything different except meet other women.  He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me.  I can't parse any of that.  I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us.  

My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of.  I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains.  Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore.

I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them.

Got a new job in August.  I love it.  I actually like going to work.  Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job.  It just has to do with life.

I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is?  Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous.

I don't like any of this.  

I Think I Did It In Reverse

I think this is the last one...truly. Almost two weeks ago I was devastated. Utterly and completely.  Now, it's so much better.  But I think I did it in reverse.  Usually when people break up, the devastation is first.  The heartbreak, the self-questioning.  For us it was different.  The final blow is what caused the last bit of heartbreak.  I think that's part of why I feel so much better, just twelve days later.  The other parts are as follows.

Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me.  Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday.  First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.

It was great to be able to just have a fun night.  My favorite win of the night was this:

I spent time with new friends.  Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy.  But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.

I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering.  Both times she was positive and thought provoking.  Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves.  The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer.  Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves.  It's called "As I Am".  I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person.  Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week.  Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself.  It has helped so much more than I could ever say.  Here, give it a listen.

It's all getting better. I'm a different person. I'm really looking at my life and what happened in the relationship.  I'm taking the good and working on the bad and I am whole, as I am!

Today I ate: 2 donuts, trail mix, cappuccino, Cherry Icee

Today I bought: a movie ticket

Every Day Is Supposed To Be A Gift

A few months ago, I wrote about breaking up my long-time partner.  We had met on Memorial Day 2010.  We spent almost everyday together until we moved in together in 2011. Over the last couple of months we both made strides in changing things about ourselves that had helped cause the problems in our relationship.  Except for the most important one: lack of communication.  I felt we were on a road to reconciliation, he evidently felt we are on the road to being best friends and seeing others.  Last week, he began to see someone else.

The first few days I cried myself into dehydration.  My friends have been awesome.  I've spent time with them every day since Tuesday.  As I've fluctuated between being a depressed, sad woman and consciously trying to see this as a good change that I can grow from, I feel almost as if I were constantly on a see-saw.

After almost a week, I can stop, collect myself and see the flaws in us, individually and together.  When I'm in my 'higher mind' I can look at the last five years and say..well we were with each other as long as we needed to be and were able to show each other what each still needed to fix in ourselves.  I argue badly.  I don't have a fuse, I have a rip-cord.  I am angry immediately.  I blow up.  I scream, I holler.  I don't like it.  It makes me more angry and frustrated.  I cry, I resort to letting out everything I think is wrong, not just whatever is at the moment.  I'm working on this.  I went to a counselor a few times, then she retired.  I'm now trying to learn to meditate.  

My heart though...why couldn't we have worked on these things and gotten back together?  There was so much that we did for each other.  We helped each other heal after horrible divorces. We loved each other fully and solely.  I regained my self-confidence.  I began to believe in myself again, because he championed that I should do so.  He wasn't perfect. Neither was I.  I hope she can make him happy.

Today I ate: burrito, piece of birthday cake, 3 beers

Today I bought: birthday presents for my nephews

Today Was A Great Day

When I started roller derby in 2013, I did not pass my basic skills. I was then, and am still, out of shape to the point that I cannot pass certain skills.  I also am still attending school in addition to working, so I don't have as much time to dedicate to practicing and building my skills.  I am, however, building friendships.  I must apologize now if there are grammatical or spelling errors, I am full of Mothers Lil' Helper, as well as Captain Morgans Spiced Rum and Pepsi. 

There are a group of us who did not pass the skills last year.  We started a group called the Wolf Pack, which is not an official DGD/FCRD group.  We encouraged each other and work towards the goal of passing our skills.

This year we invited any 2014 Fresh Meat who did not pass to join us. 

As you know, I moved recently into my own place.  Tonight, I invited my Wolf Pack over for a night of camaraderie  and Cards Against Humanity.  This forced me to get my ass in gear and put my place together a little better.  So I did. I unpacked a little more and did some decorating.

My altar.

Reading area.

Work space.

We had a great time.  Everyone brought yummies and something to drink.  We had some big fun with the CAH and I'm ready to buy expansion packs and have everyone back.

Wolfies.

I miss them already, now that they are all heading home.  I got to know a few of them better.  I'm glad they are friends and hope they are too.  All I can say about it is "Spaghettisburg Address!"

Today I ate: sofritas burrito, smoothie, part of a veggie cutlet, some veggie pinwheels, Mothers Lil' Helper, Rum & Pepsi.

Today I bought: vitamins, food, Ref dress, book.