I Think I Did It In Reverse

I think this is the last one...truly. Almost two weeks ago I was devastated. Utterly and completely.  Now, it's so much better.  But I think I did it in reverse.  Usually when people break up, the devastation is first.  The heartbreak, the self-questioning.  For us it was different.  The final blow is what caused the last bit of heartbreak.  I think that's part of why I feel so much better, just twelve days later.  The other parts are as follows.

Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me.  Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday.  First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.

It was great to be able to just have a fun night.  My favorite win of the night was this:

I spent time with new friends.  Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy.  But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.

I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering.  Both times she was positive and thought provoking.  Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves.  The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer.  Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves.  It's called "As I Am".  I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person.  Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week.  Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself.  It has helped so much more than I could ever say.  Here, give it a listen.

It's all getting better. I'm a different person. I'm really looking at my life and what happened in the relationship.  I'm taking the good and working on the bad and I am whole, as I am!

Today I ate: 2 donuts, trail mix, cappuccino, Cherry Icee

Today I bought: a movie ticket

All This And More

I'm a glutton for punishment. We're broke up. We really are. We are friends. Best friends. But it makes things weird right now.  I have my addictions. Food is one. The other is feeling wanted. 

I'm contemplating moving after graduation. I graduate on May 16th. Less than a month. But I have criteria. Must be near a M.A.D.E. league. Must be somewhere that I can actually picture myself living, so not like Texas or Utah. I dunno. I feel like things are going to be horrible instead of awesome.

Is it supposed to be like this? I don't know. I've never been at this point in life, ever, cause how could I have been? I'll be 38 this year. I can't really grasp it. When you are in your teens and 20s you can't imagine that by the time you're almost 40 you still won't know what you want from life. I mean, I know what I want to do with bits and pieces of it. I know that I love reffing roller derby. I love making art in one form or another. I know that deep in my heart the Pagan path was the right one for me.

I'm pretty sure I never want to be married again. I'm pretty sure I want to always work with something in non-profit. I'm pretty sure giving up smoking was a good idea.

I think.

I dunno. I'm unsure a lot. Like, teenager unsure. Like, about 85% of the time. Just keeping it real ya'll. I watch Louis C.K. and want to yell "HOW AM I THE FEMALE VERSION OF YOU?"

Found on Google...

Today I ate: veggie pot pie, vegan cookie, sushi, miso soup, cheesecake filling, spicy bbq chips, coffee with half & half

Today I bought: snacks, cereal

Full Moon Esbat...Do It Yourself

Click the pic to go to the site!

It's a full moon tonight.  As you can see by the graphic made by my friend Marietta, it is the night of the Moon of Winds.  The power of the full moon is the most potent and the correspondences of this one fit with the things I am needing in my life.  I'm about to graduate with my Bachelor of Liberal Arts and around $45,000 in student loan debt. I took my current job because I was tired of of crying everyday that I had to go to my former one, even thought it would come with a 20% pay cut.  And while I don't despise having to go to work, I actually have quite a few things I enjoy about it, but my skills are not being utilized and once I have to start paying on those loans..well, I won't have ANY money for anything other than rent and bills.

I made some notes on things I need to focus on in the next few months.  That included the following:

• Career - UMKC? Farmers? It should be fulfilling, allow me to grow, enough $, benefits, good hours, adequate time off for derby and travel
• Education - Master's? In what? I need clarity in a direction to go. Public Affairs w/ emphasis in Non-Profit? Liberal Studies w/ emphasis in Women/Gender studies?
• Financial - Student loans in particular...should I invest a couple of dollars per week in the lotto? Can I find a plan to pay without taking all my disposable income?
• Addictions - the eating and shopping aren't quite out of control, but they aren't in control either
• Goals - Become a better skater. Education. Reduction of debt. Career. Weight loss.
• Personal - More spiritual activities, resolve the relationship issue, spend more time with family and friends.

I decided to concentrate on career and debt for this and took my first try at candle magick.  I select a green candle as it represents prosperity, money and success.  Upon it I carved the runes Fehu and Dagaz.  Fehu representing monetary wealth and new beginnings. Degaz also representing new beginnings and financial increase. I then carved the words 'career', 'debt relief' and 'success'.  Next I anointed the candle with olive oil and a mix of Red Clover and Jasmine.  The Red Clover represented finances, positive vibrations and success. Jasmine representing prosperity.

My altar with intent candle lit

I followed a ritual in Sandra Kynes book, "A Year of Ritual". It was a wonderful ritual with the themes of "Cast out unneeded things from our lives" and "Make room for new growth and new things to enter our lives". The only deviation I made was to state my intentions and light my candle.

Green candle for prosperity and success.

I have hope that tonight's focus and intention will help start the changes that I need to happen in my life.  I suppose that is what spirituality is all about.


Today I ate: banana, apple, grapefruit, salad, soyrizo & salsa w/ tortilla chips, almond milk

Today I bought: nothing.

Ooh, Time to Start the Podcasts!

Podcasts!  I love them.  I don't get to listen as often as I like because I'm the kind of person that needs to pay attention to them.  I remember when I got my first iPhone, wayyyyy back in 2009, it was refurbished 3G and it was awesome!  It took me a bit to get used to it.  I remember going through iTunes and looking at these 'podcasts' I had been hearing about.  One of the first I subscribed to was Nerdist (this would be spring of 2010 for all the time nazis).  Yeah, with Chris Hardwick from MTV's Singled Out.  Then it seemed like it would be my cup of tea, now it's a mega empire of awesome podcasts covering everything you can imagine almost.  My favorite is the Thrilling Adventure Hour.

It only falls to course that I would like to do one myself..so I am.  I hope to start at least two.  The first will be about roller derby.  Of course.  Specifically here in Kansas City, and with my beloved friend and Wolfie, Bitter Sweets! Check out her awesome derby blog HERE. She has some great ideas to start with and I hope to have special guests who don't mind talking about themselves and their derby paths.

Trixie and Bitter Sweets!

The next one I hope to start soon will revolve around Paganism, again starting out specifically around Kansas City area peeps and activities and hopefully evolving into more of Pagan community based endeavor.

There seems to be a lot of things to consider when jumping into something like this.  I've got the first step down: I have a microphone! (oh and ideas of what I want to talk about).

A. wants to produce, which is awesome because he is very interested in that side of it.  Things I never thought about like sound quality, mixing equipment, space, sponsors, etc.  We were actually talking about it this morning and after listening to him talk about various technical items, as well many podcasts I realize, he would have to be a behind the scenes man because he has so much information that is very interesting to him, but that loses me after about 10-15 minutes.  He could probably pull off a podcast about podcasting, but only if he had a co-host to reign him in. It's exciting to have him on board considering all the weirdness with our relationship.

I know I usually end the posts with what I've eaten and bought, but I've actually written this before leaving the house for the day so I haven't done either yet.  Instead I'll leave you with a small list of my favorite podcasts!  Feel free to recommend some to me!

• Irish and Celtic Music Podcast - just what it says!
• Nerdist - pop culture, nerdy, entertainment types
• WTF with Marc Maron - lots of ranting and interviews, been around for.ev.er.
• Roderick on the Line - Merlin Mann (professional podcaster) and John Roderick (of Long Winters fame) just riff on shit and it's beautiful
• You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Loose Wheel - very down to earth derby blog, I love reading it and you will to

Celebrating Imbolc Early

Today my circle celebrated Imbolc.  I wrote the ritual (with assistance from various books written by people more knowledgeable than me) and we did crafts to celebrate including carving into a self-dedication candle and making binding knots for protection.

Here are two pictures.  The first is in color.  I chose the Orange candle because it represents the following things: Attraction, Encouragement, Stimulation, fire and Courage.  These are what I want to dedicate for my personal path this year.  I also carved these words, a couple of runes and a few of my endeavors for this year into it.

The b&w photo makes it a little easier to see the carving.

I also sent home a crafting kit with each to make Priapic Wands. I love my circle because we always try to make sure that we have crafting to do or some sort of fun participatory event.  We also did a Bardic Circle, each of us sharing a joke or song or quote.  I unleashed my awesome green golf balls joke on them.  It was a blast.

I almost thought none of this would get to happen.  I ended up leaving work 45 minutes late.  I still needed to run to Mystic Treasures to pick up some Amethyst to hand out and go home to cook my contribution to the potluck.  When I got to my apartment, it was surrounded by KCP&L trucks and there was a crew with a shit-ton of cables out of the ground between my building and the next.  I overheard them tell a neighbor they couldn't give an exact time on when they'd be done.  I couldn't cook or print out my ritual or anything.  I felt pretty defeated.  But with the help of my friend Marietta and her husband Aaron..it was all good.  She had an early draft of the ritual I had sent to her that she printed out and he cooked up some mushrooms that I picked up from the store on my way over.  It was a great night and the power was back on when I got home.

Yesterday and today I ate: soy cappuccino, apple, 1/4 Jimmy John's veggie sub, Chipotle Sofritas Burrito, sleeve of graham crackers, bowl of cereal, 1/2 cheese sandwich, carrots and cherry tomatoes, cottage cheese, bag of Twix Bites, mushrooms, wild rice, corn casserole.

Yesterday and today I bought: Amethyst.

Pagan Panty Drop

That was the best line from tonight's coffee coven.  The Kansas City Witches Meetup Group has various coffee covens throughout the greater metropolitan area.  The Liberty one is closest to me and tonight I went to my first one.  It was fun.  Lot's of just shooting the shit with some great people. It was nice.

Tomorrow I go back to derby.  I do love it. I love reffing.  I've always been kind of a person who likes to know how things should be, so being a ref is right up my alley.  I love my fellow refs, not just the girls that I started Fresh Meat with in the fall of 2014, but also the others who have been in derby for a lot longer than I.  I have a new helmet, mostly because I've had a few knocks to the noggin from a rink floor...never do shopping carts with a vet when you can barely keep your balance as it is.  The back of my head bounced a couple of times because I couldn't keep my feet under me.  The clincher though, was when, as a pack ref I was waylayed by a jam ref going full speed and bounced the front of my head off a concrete floor at M.A.D.E Nationals.  Even though my helmet took the impact, I still had a knot on my forehead.  It. Was. Awesome.  I got a pretty one!

We play M.A.D.E. rules, so there is no soul crushing.  However, the sticker is fan-fucking-tastic and I had to have it. You can get your own at Rrrshop from Bruise Fairy.  She's a great skater and has awesome stuff in her shop. 

Today started out on down note, work was bearable.  It ended pretty good at the coffee coven.

Today I ate oatmeal, OJ, coffee, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, cherry tomatoes, carrots, a sleeve of graham crackers, a Chipotle veggie burrito and half a glass of Pepsi.

Today I didn't buy anything, but I am about to.  Microphones for my new podcast endeavor.

Indian Food Cures Almost Anything...

Except feeling depressed.  So strange how that can creep up on you.  Possibly take over your life if you can't fight it off.  I've been lucky up to now..I can keep it at bay for the most part. I know the spiel.  I have a job and a place to live and plenty to eat (too much).  I have no reason to be depressed. I have a boyfriend.  I play roller derby with a lot of awesome people.  I have a circle with whom I practice my spiritual beliefs.

My job is alright but I would like one that didn't expect me to work 90+ hours every two weeks.  Yeah, my salary may be the equivalent of just over 2x mimimum wage, but once you factor in all the extra hours and then take out my deductions (taxes and minimal insurances) I bring home just about minimum wage.  As I say repeatedly, I work to live, not vice versa. I'm looking for other work..just can't find it yet.  Guess it's a good thing I graduate in May and will finally have a Bachelors.  Let's hope that helps. 

I recently moved out from having lived with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 years.  We didn't break up, though I'm not sure that's off the table.  I hope it is.

My circle is awesome.  We celebrate all the sabbats,(you can see some here) but any other get together type stuff usually happens when I'm at work.

Roller derby is back up and going after a month long hiatus, but I haven't made it back to practice..

I went out for Indian buffet today at Swagat.  I only had one plate though.  Not a lot I wanted to eat.

Today I ate one plate at the Indian buffet, a sleeve of cinnamon graham crackers with milk, some spicy banana chips, four scrambled eggs with cheese and a 12oz bottle of Natural Brew draft root beer.

Today I bought...well...see for yourself

Insomnia or just too much caffeine?

I was up all night.  No, really. I went to bed about 6 am.  Of course I could hear the neighbors downstairs until at least 2:30 am, but it was just normal friends gathering.  I can't begrudge him that.  I gauge him to be in his twenties.  I was always at friends apartments having a great, but loud, time at that age.  And at least I wasn't asleep and woken by his loud, drunken threats to "KILL" someone he was on the phone with.  I put a desk together, I put my new bearings in my wheels.  I also finished all the Criminal Minds that Netflix had to offer.

Did I mention I'm going to start at least two podcasts?  One about roller derby and another about Paganism.  I even bought a domain for the derby one...jblockoclock.com - A. came up with the name for it - J-Block O'Clock.  That's probably because I'm always j-blocking him in the store.  It's a good name, catchy.  I haven't really found one that talks specifically about M.A.D.E rule-set.  If you've seen Whip It, that's not how we play.  And if you have images of GLOW on skates, you are mistaken. I'm a ref for the Fountain City Roller Derby in Kansas City.  I love it and everyone in it.  I'm in the middle.  Trixie Horror.  On my left is Moriartease (Or as she is now called, Bitter Sweets)  and on my right is Noah Clue.  I love those girls.

Thanks to KC Carr for the pic!

Today I ate half a 12" vegan pizza & garlic cheese bread from Waldo Pizza, 2/3 of a regular banana-peanut butter concrete from Sheridans and some root beer.  I'm sure there will be more later.

Today I bought a new Roku, some lamps, some light bulbs.