I Think I Did It In Reverse

I think this is the last one...truly. Almost two weeks ago I was devastated. Utterly and completely.  Now, it's so much better.  But I think I did it in reverse.  Usually when people break up, the devastation is first.  The heartbreak, the self-questioning.  For us it was different.  The final blow is what caused the last bit of heartbreak.  I think that's part of why I feel so much better, just twelve days later.  The other parts are as follows.

Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me.  Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday.  First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.

It was great to be able to just have a fun night.  My favorite win of the night was this:

I spent time with new friends.  Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy.  But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.

I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering.  Both times she was positive and thought provoking.  Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves.  The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer.  Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves.  It's called "As I Am".  I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person.  Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week.  Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself.  It has helped so much more than I could ever say.  Here, give it a listen.

It's all getting better. I'm a different person. I'm really looking at my life and what happened in the relationship.  I'm taking the good and working on the bad and I am whole, as I am!

Today I ate: 2 donuts, trail mix, cappuccino, Cherry Icee

Today I bought: a movie ticket

The Sadness Just Doesn't Dissipate...

It's not what I was looking for when it happened.  I was looking for nothing, intent on just being.  But the cosmos had another plan...and here I am five years later, no longer content with just being...but feeling lost and in need of direction.  Not wanting to let go of that which I just happened upon five years ago.  Nor happy with a transitioning of it to something still important to me, just not exactly what I want. 

Soon I'll write a post about graduating, a post about my first quasi-real camping trip and maybe about directions finally realized for my life.

Today I bought: nothing.

Today I ate: Vegan pizza, ice cream, hot and spicy cheese-its, vegan cheese garlic bread

I Want To Live Smaller

I want to live in a tiny house. Seriously. Have you seen these?  They are fucking awesome.  And I feel like if I had a tiny house with just enough room to be, then maybe it would help with the shopping issue...maybe. I think so. Probably.  I almost think perhaps a hypnotist is in order. 

I couldn't do a super tiny house, like some are less than 100 square feet!!  I would feel too claustrophobic and unsafe. Plus, I do need some room to work on my art or sewing.  I just can't do it sitting in my chair or on the couch all the time. I also need one with the bedroom separate..I just like having that distance between where I sleep and where I do other things.

I love visiting Tiny House Swoon and Tiny House Listings.  It's pure window shopping or wishlisting for what I hope to someday live in. 

tinyhousebasics.com

The pic above is one from a great tiny house that is about 224 sq ft. I like that the table is built onto the wall and is long. This would be a perfect setting for my sewing machines. Plenty of room for cutting and sturdy enough for the motor of the machines.  It also looks out a window so that natural is available as well as a view.  If I get tired sewing or crafting eyes, I just stop and watch what's going on outside! 

shinytinymansion.com

This one is too cool as well, but is 450 sq ft. While I'd rather have more work area than knick knack display, this is the kind of place that would give me a sense of space with the separations of the major living areas, but yet fill my need to scale my life down.  I do love all the colors they use and think they lend to the vibrancy of the space.

Even with all the weirdness my mind gives me each day, I'm drawn more and more to these tiny houses.  Sometimes I think it would be a great business venture to partner with a company to work on a tiny house housing development.  We have all these cul-de-sacs and neighborhoods with gigantic houses being built.  They take a lot of land, a lot of money and a lot of resources.  I would love to have a neighborhood that not only had a slew of tiny house but perhaps a neighborhood garden as well.  That would be me my ideal neighborhood.

Today I ate: eggs, potatoes, bagel, oj, coffee, Dr. Pepper, vegan pizza, crunchy corn bran, snack size candy bars

Today I bought: nothing

All This And More

I'm a glutton for punishment. We're broke up. We really are. We are friends. Best friends. But it makes things weird right now.  I have my addictions. Food is one. The other is feeling wanted. 

I'm contemplating moving after graduation. I graduate on May 16th. Less than a month. But I have criteria. Must be near a M.A.D.E. league. Must be somewhere that I can actually picture myself living, so not like Texas or Utah. I dunno. I feel like things are going to be horrible instead of awesome.

Is it supposed to be like this? I don't know. I've never been at this point in life, ever, cause how could I have been? I'll be 38 this year. I can't really grasp it. When you are in your teens and 20s you can't imagine that by the time you're almost 40 you still won't know what you want from life. I mean, I know what I want to do with bits and pieces of it. I know that I love reffing roller derby. I love making art in one form or another. I know that deep in my heart the Pagan path was the right one for me.

I'm pretty sure I never want to be married again. I'm pretty sure I want to always work with something in non-profit. I'm pretty sure giving up smoking was a good idea.

I think.

I dunno. I'm unsure a lot. Like, teenager unsure. Like, about 85% of the time. Just keeping it real ya'll. I watch Louis C.K. and want to yell "HOW AM I THE FEMALE VERSION OF YOU?"

Found on Google...

Today I ate: veggie pot pie, vegan cookie, sushi, miso soup, cheesecake filling, spicy bbq chips, coffee with half & half

Today I bought: snacks, cereal

Sometimes I'm the Bad Guy

It's over.  Three months after I moved out in an attempt to try fix my relationship.  I know that sounds crazy..but maybe I just wasn't meant to live with someone.  Perhaps we would be better off if we weren't with each other all of the time.  Many people have long lasting relationships without ever cohabiting.  Have you ever been with someone...spent all your time together for almost a year and then decide to move in together and only THEN find out things that you didn't know?  

Life is weird.  You meet someone, you talk for hours upon hours over the course of a few days.  You have a first kiss that you regularly conjure up in your mind as to always hold on to the memory.  We had so much in common.  We liked music and reading.  We did art projects at the table with Anthony Bourdain on in the background.  We spent long evenings reading books as we laid on opposite ends of the couch, entwining our legs.  Some nights I lay in his lap while he watched movies on Netflix, and he softly touched my face or played with my hair.   We went to movies and bowling.  He introduced me to delicious foods: Indian, Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Japanese.  We said we'd move to Europe...Amsterdam in particular was promised.We were together almost every day from the day we met until we moved in together 11 months later.  He stayed over at my place, I stayed at his. He cooked for me.  Invited me to events with his family. I became part of his family, more so than my own.

Things kind of went south after we moved in together.  We started to grow apart after a few years.  I wanted to do more things. I joined roller derby and kept going to school. There were other issues that ended in our fighting...a lot.   Finally after I had tried counseling, I decided to try living apart as a last resort.  But through all the things that we've been through and as much as I thought I was making known what I'd like, he didn't do the same.  The communication that we needed just wasn't there.  Too much of what our relationship had been in the beginning was no more.  

It's always easy to say that the person ending the relationship is doing so because they just want to move on or they are interested in someone else; that they don't want to make the effort.  I can honestly say that simply isn't true.  Sometimes the hardest decision we make is to sever the tie, make the break.  And in my case, my heart is broken just as much as ever.  I still love him and everything we were at one point and everything that we could have been.  My hope is that considering how much we shared, we can be real, true friends.

Today I bought: nothing

Today I ate: strawberries, latte, goulash, carrots, red peppers, Boca veggie sliders, Thin Mints, Mother's Lil' Helper.

Full Moon Esbat...Do It Yourself

Click the pic to go to the site!

It's a full moon tonight.  As you can see by the graphic made by my friend Marietta, it is the night of the Moon of Winds.  The power of the full moon is the most potent and the correspondences of this one fit with the things I am needing in my life.  I'm about to graduate with my Bachelor of Liberal Arts and around $45,000 in student loan debt. I took my current job because I was tired of of crying everyday that I had to go to my former one, even thought it would come with a 20% pay cut.  And while I don't despise having to go to work, I actually have quite a few things I enjoy about it, but my skills are not being utilized and once I have to start paying on those loans..well, I won't have ANY money for anything other than rent and bills.

I made some notes on things I need to focus on in the next few months.  That included the following:

• Career - UMKC? Farmers? It should be fulfilling, allow me to grow, enough $, benefits, good hours, adequate time off for derby and travel
• Education - Master's? In what? I need clarity in a direction to go. Public Affairs w/ emphasis in Non-Profit? Liberal Studies w/ emphasis in Women/Gender studies?
• Financial - Student loans in particular...should I invest a couple of dollars per week in the lotto? Can I find a plan to pay without taking all my disposable income?
• Addictions - the eating and shopping aren't quite out of control, but they aren't in control either
• Goals - Become a better skater. Education. Reduction of debt. Career. Weight loss.
• Personal - More spiritual activities, resolve the relationship issue, spend more time with family and friends.

I decided to concentrate on career and debt for this and took my first try at candle magick.  I select a green candle as it represents prosperity, money and success.  Upon it I carved the runes Fehu and Dagaz.  Fehu representing monetary wealth and new beginnings. Degaz also representing new beginnings and financial increase. I then carved the words 'career', 'debt relief' and 'success'.  Next I anointed the candle with olive oil and a mix of Red Clover and Jasmine.  The Red Clover represented finances, positive vibrations and success. Jasmine representing prosperity.

My altar with intent candle lit

I followed a ritual in Sandra Kynes book, "A Year of Ritual". It was a wonderful ritual with the themes of "Cast out unneeded things from our lives" and "Make room for new growth and new things to enter our lives". The only deviation I made was to state my intentions and light my candle.

Green candle for prosperity and success.

I have hope that tonight's focus and intention will help start the changes that I need to happen in my life.  I suppose that is what spirituality is all about.


Today I ate: banana, apple, grapefruit, salad, soyrizo & salsa w/ tortilla chips, almond milk

Today I bought: nothing.

Derby Days Are Here Again!

Have I mentioned I referee roller derby?  I'm sure I have *nudge nudge wink wink*.  I know I didn't post nearly enough in February...but between school and scrimmages...I've been swamped.  I've got a paper due in two weeks, will have 2 midterms that same week.  Then one more class added in the last 8 weeks. THEN GRADUATION!!!

But enough about that.  Derby.  Blood, sweat, tears, bruises, twists, breaks.  Derby.  This past weekend I reffed 5 bouts in less than 24 hours.  It would have been more but I hurt my ankle and knee after being way-layed by skaters in two different games. I got nothing on our head ref though, he now has THEE prettiest eggplant colored bruise that covers the majority of a butt cheek and partial thigh.  He was way-layed by skaters twice in the SAME bout and then by a chair in another.  In his defense, he was skating backwards..show-off!

Friday night's two bouts were for the Blacksnake Roller Girls in St. Joseph, MO.  It's my hometown, my papa and one of my four sisters showed up.  It was awesome to see them and great to get some time on skates before Saturday.

My Dad, Me and sis, Emily!

Saturday was opening day for Fountain City Roller Derby!!!  FIVE bouts at Hale Arena in Kansas City!  All of our teams played, concluding with a bout against Benton County Roller Derby from Arkansas!  As refs, we play every jam. No rest except for between periods and half-time.  So on a day with five bouts, it was kinda silly to ref two the night before, but I love it.  And FCRD loves us.  A special Zebra Den was put together for us with water, snacks and chairs.  It was glorious.

Thanks FCRD for the pic.

Oh look, you can see some of us arriving for our long day.  I spy One Hit Thunder, Aaron Grievances, Bitter Sweets, me and Hellbilly Delux.  I also think I spy Mr Roboto...

Thanks FCRD for the pic!

Today I ate a chocolate chip scone, coffee, PB&J sandwich, grapefruit, apple, cherry tomatoes, pumpkin chocolate chip muffin, Spicy Indian vegan burgers on bread.

Today I bought nothing (but I've bought so many other things since the last post: various subscription boxes, tent, air mattress, new derby pads, sweaters, shoes).

You Had One Fucking Job

At least that's how I feel a lot of the time.  As a woman, I've grown up with a lot of guilt because my body apparently can't do the one thing it should..make a baby. I struggle with this. A lot.  I get sad, I feel pretty worthless.  Every other Wal-Mart catastrophe can spit out a line of kids like a Pez dispenser, but me? Nope.

I know there are lots of women out there who have gone through the struggle, who have spent WAY more money on trying than I ever have or will.  My story is not one of tens of thousands of dollars going down the (Fallopian) tubes.  My story is about the utter uselessness felt because of how society portrays women as the main caregiver and protector of children.  Our main function, so society-media-propaganda, would have have you believe is to make more humans.  Whether or not you work or anything else, your worth as a woman is based on what you contribute to the world, spawn-wise.

SOME of my nieces and nephews with Grandpa.

For a good chunk of my life all I wanted was to be a mom. I got to be for a little while to my step-son, but making a mini-me is not in my cards.  It's probably just as well.  I can very logically list all the reasons I should be grateful I don't have any kids. I also have MANY nieces and nephews that I can probably borrow if I wanted to have some kids around to do awesome things with like bake yummy goodies, paint pictures, go fun places.  Then I'm the SUPER COOL auntie.

But that worthless feeling is there. Underneath.  So much of the time.  That one basic thing that women do, make life, I can't.  It's almost soul crushing sometimes.


Today I ate: oatmeal, almond milk, cherry tomatoes, cheese & crackers, grapefruit, banana, Boulevard Wheat, nachos, cheesecake.

Today I bought: HSA registration, tent, air mattress, box subscription, Valentine present

It's All About The Water

My weight has been up and down since I was in middle school.  I had never been a fan of exercise and eating was always good.  I do tend to take after my grandmother on my dad's side, shape-wise.  I'm kind of a block.  It's probably why I love corsets so much, they give me such a nice shape. But there was a time that I was very sad and didn't want to eat...I barely had an ice cream cone every day and I worked in a grocery store.  Regularly I was carrying around 50 and 100 lb bags of flour or rice; I was stocking shelves, always on my feet.  I was getting pretty slim.  Then, when I felt better, I wanted to stay that way.  So, I would throw up.  But that shit hurt!  Until I made sure I drank lots of water. LOTS of water...that made it so much easier..but I really didn't look very healthy.

This is me right after my nephew was born. Right before I got married.  I was 135lb. I was tiny. But then I stopped with the puking.  Harvey Fierstein would be so sad for me...





What I've found out lately..is that water still helps, but because I'm drinking it more often, not as a lubricant.  I've tried many things in my life and I'm still floundering...

Today I ate a falafel and baba ganoush sandwich, french fries, Chipotle Sorfritas burrito and a Barq's root beer.

Today I bought an office chair, silverware, pizza cutter, tee shirt, ankle support.

This Will Be TMI

I'm a woman who has tried not to buy in to that whole "girls who like sex are just dirty whores or sluts."  I've never hidden the fact that I enjoy sex.  Until I was married and then made to feel like my past was something I should be ashamed of by my husband.  I may have enjoyed myself with various people, but I least I wasn't repeatedly cheating on my spouse!

I used to work at Priscilla's (now Cirilla's) and I had a good time, when I wasn't yelling at our misogynistic boss.  I enjoy a good dirty joke, and there isn't a double entendre I haven't made. 

Apparently I have this effect on those I'm with...they no longer want anything to do with me.  It's gradual.  With my husband, he was just a cheater.  He cheated on his first wife.  He cheated on me (#2) and most likely cheats on the third one.  My current boyfriend and I had a great intimate relationship for about the first two years...then it dwindled.  It was still great, when it happened, but those times got fewer and fewer.  Now, there are months that go by without so much as a peck.

I miss sex.  I miss snuggling up next to someone exhausted, sweaty and spent.  I miss waking up and doing it all over again.

Yesterday and today I ate: vegan garlic cheese bread, 1/2 a vegan pizza, 2 sleeves of graham crackers, a cheesestick, 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy latte, 2-23oz Boulevard Wheats, cherry tomatoes, carrots, cheese sandwich, apple, cottage cheese, Chipotle veggie burrito.

Yesterday and today I bought: a cardigan, a tee-shirt, 3 books, a stuffed stick pirate and a case for my tablet.

Indian Food Cures Almost Anything...

Except feeling depressed.  So strange how that can creep up on you.  Possibly take over your life if you can't fight it off.  I've been lucky up to now..I can keep it at bay for the most part. I know the spiel.  I have a job and a place to live and plenty to eat (too much).  I have no reason to be depressed. I have a boyfriend.  I play roller derby with a lot of awesome people.  I have a circle with whom I practice my spiritual beliefs.

My job is alright but I would like one that didn't expect me to work 90+ hours every two weeks.  Yeah, my salary may be the equivalent of just over 2x mimimum wage, but once you factor in all the extra hours and then take out my deductions (taxes and minimal insurances) I bring home just about minimum wage.  As I say repeatedly, I work to live, not vice versa. I'm looking for other work..just can't find it yet.  Guess it's a good thing I graduate in May and will finally have a Bachelors.  Let's hope that helps. 

I recently moved out from having lived with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 years.  We didn't break up, though I'm not sure that's off the table.  I hope it is.

My circle is awesome.  We celebrate all the sabbats,(you can see some here) but any other get together type stuff usually happens when I'm at work.

Roller derby is back up and going after a month long hiatus, but I haven't made it back to practice..

I went out for Indian buffet today at Swagat.  I only had one plate though.  Not a lot I wanted to eat.

Today I ate one plate at the Indian buffet, a sleeve of cinnamon graham crackers with milk, some spicy banana chips, four scrambled eggs with cheese and a 12oz bottle of Natural Brew draft root beer.

Today I bought...well...see for yourself

I'm Not Sure They're Addictions

If addicting behaviour is pre-determined based on genetics, then I'm sure I could be.  I just don't feel like I am because I can NOT eat everything or buy everything.  That's what I like to do though. I can't even remember what I bought today, but I know I bought something.  I didn't even need whatever it was...oh yeah, it was bowls and saki cups from this awesome store called Yoki that sells Japanese items.  I didn't need those things. Last week I ate a whole cheesecake over a couple of days. I didn't go to practice at all for the last two weeks. I feel like Murtaugh from the Lethal Weapon movies, you know, "I'm too old for this shit."  

I'm fucking 37! (In a row!)  Yet, I still feel like a teenager with no direction in life.  I thought by this point I was supposed to have this great freeing epiphany.  The whole, "I'm almost 40 and adulting like I should and I approach everything with logic and brains instead of heart and emotion." I was also supposed to have an idea of what I want to do for a career.  I'm just now finishing my BA in Liberal Arts (I've changed my major so much, it's all I could do to used my credits). I used student loans to supplement my income, for the majority of them I needed it because my ex kept quitting jobs.  These last few, the extra helped pay off some credit.  I 'know' what I should be doing and why, I just don't quite make it there.

Today, I only had some pizza and breadsticks. It was a long day.