Sometimes I'm the Bad Guy

It's over.  Three months after I moved out in an attempt to try fix my relationship.  I know that sounds crazy..but maybe I just wasn't meant to live with someone.  Perhaps we would be better off if we weren't with each other all of the time.  Many people have long lasting relationships without ever cohabiting.  Have you ever been with someone...spent all your time together for almost a year and then decide to move in together and only THEN find out things that you didn't know?  

Life is weird.  You meet someone, you talk for hours upon hours over the course of a few days.  You have a first kiss that you regularly conjure up in your mind as to always hold on to the memory.  We had so much in common.  We liked music and reading.  We did art projects at the table with Anthony Bourdain on in the background.  We spent long evenings reading books as we laid on opposite ends of the couch, entwining our legs.  Some nights I lay in his lap while he watched movies on Netflix, and he softly touched my face or played with my hair.   We went to movies and bowling.  He introduced me to delicious foods: Indian, Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Japanese.  We said we'd move to Europe...Amsterdam in particular was promised.We were together almost every day from the day we met until we moved in together 11 months later.  He stayed over at my place, I stayed at his. He cooked for me.  Invited me to events with his family. I became part of his family, more so than my own.

Things kind of went south after we moved in together.  We started to grow apart after a few years.  I wanted to do more things. I joined roller derby and kept going to school. There were other issues that ended in our fighting...a lot.   Finally after I had tried counseling, I decided to try living apart as a last resort.  But through all the things that we've been through and as much as I thought I was making known what I'd like, he didn't do the same.  The communication that we needed just wasn't there.  Too much of what our relationship had been in the beginning was no more.  

It's always easy to say that the person ending the relationship is doing so because they just want to move on or they are interested in someone else; that they don't want to make the effort.  I can honestly say that simply isn't true.  Sometimes the hardest decision we make is to sever the tie, make the break.  And in my case, my heart is broken just as much as ever.  I still love him and everything we were at one point and everything that we could have been.  My hope is that considering how much we shared, we can be real, true friends.

Today I bought: nothing

Today I ate: strawberries, latte, goulash, carrots, red peppers, Boca veggie sliders, Thin Mints, Mother's Lil' Helper.