Celebrating Imbolc Early

Today my circle celebrated Imbolc.  I wrote the ritual (with assistance from various books written by people more knowledgeable than me) and we did crafts to celebrate including carving into a self-dedication candle and making binding knots for protection.

Here are two pictures.  The first is in color.  I chose the Orange candle because it represents the following things: Attraction, Encouragement, Stimulation, fire and Courage.  These are what I want to dedicate for my personal path this year.  I also carved these words, a couple of runes and a few of my endeavors for this year into it.

The b&w photo makes it a little easier to see the carving.

I also sent home a crafting kit with each to make Priapic Wands. I love my circle because we always try to make sure that we have crafting to do or some sort of fun participatory event.  We also did a Bardic Circle, each of us sharing a joke or song or quote.  I unleashed my awesome green golf balls joke on them.  It was a blast.

I almost thought none of this would get to happen.  I ended up leaving work 45 minutes late.  I still needed to run to Mystic Treasures to pick up some Amethyst to hand out and go home to cook my contribution to the potluck.  When I got to my apartment, it was surrounded by KCP&L trucks and there was a crew with a shit-ton of cables out of the ground between my building and the next.  I overheard them tell a neighbor they couldn't give an exact time on when they'd be done.  I couldn't cook or print out my ritual or anything.  I felt pretty defeated.  But with the help of my friend Marietta and her husband Aaron..it was all good.  She had an early draft of the ritual I had sent to her that she printed out and he cooked up some mushrooms that I picked up from the store on my way over.  It was a great night and the power was back on when I got home.

Yesterday and today I ate: soy cappuccino, apple, 1/4 Jimmy John's veggie sub, Chipotle Sofritas Burrito, sleeve of graham crackers, bowl of cereal, 1/2 cheese sandwich, carrots and cherry tomatoes, cottage cheese, bag of Twix Bites, mushrooms, wild rice, corn casserole.

Yesterday and today I bought: Amethyst.

This Will Be TMI

I'm a woman who has tried not to buy in to that whole "girls who like sex are just dirty whores or sluts."  I've never hidden the fact that I enjoy sex.  Until I was married and then made to feel like my past was something I should be ashamed of by my husband.  I may have enjoyed myself with various people, but I least I wasn't repeatedly cheating on my spouse!

I used to work at Priscilla's (now Cirilla's) and I had a good time, when I wasn't yelling at our misogynistic boss.  I enjoy a good dirty joke, and there isn't a double entendre I haven't made. 

Apparently I have this effect on those I'm with...they no longer want anything to do with me.  It's gradual.  With my husband, he was just a cheater.  He cheated on his first wife.  He cheated on me (#2) and most likely cheats on the third one.  My current boyfriend and I had a great intimate relationship for about the first two years...then it dwindled.  It was still great, when it happened, but those times got fewer and fewer.  Now, there are months that go by without so much as a peck.

I miss sex.  I miss snuggling up next to someone exhausted, sweaty and spent.  I miss waking up and doing it all over again.

Yesterday and today I ate: vegan garlic cheese bread, 1/2 a vegan pizza, 2 sleeves of graham crackers, a cheesestick, 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy latte, 2-23oz Boulevard Wheats, cherry tomatoes, carrots, cheese sandwich, apple, cottage cheese, Chipotle veggie burrito.

Yesterday and today I bought: a cardigan, a tee-shirt, 3 books, a stuffed stick pirate and a case for my tablet.

You Keep Me Hanging On

I had an idea for a book once.  I'm sure it's one that has already been done by someone.  But I wanted to write a book and each chapter title was one of a song lyric.  Someone's done it, I'm sure.

I won't do that with these post titles...all the time.

Still waiting on a determination of my relationship. Bah.

Tomorrow..umm...later today...there is a bingo fundraiser for one of our co-ed teams, I love bingo.  I haven't played for a long time.  I'm really looking forward to it.

I feel like smacking my neighbors.

I bought a 3 month subscription to Loot Crate.  I received the first one today.  There was some stuff in it that was pretty cool.   My favorite was this:

It is so good. And the inside is awesome.  Maybe now I can get back to Shoddy Odditors, my comic.  I wrote three strips..but need a bit of motivation for more.  This might be it.

Yesterday I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, carrots, cherry tomatoes, Boca Chick'n sandwich, mozzarella cheese sticks, sleeve of graham crackers.

Yesterday I bought a dress and a skirt.

Today I ate a vegan pumpkin with chocolate chip muffin and Chai tea latte from Mud Pie, Chipotle Sofritas Burrito, 2 Quik Trip single serve cheesecakes.

Today I bought some ice trays, paper, paper towels, Llewellyn's 2015 Magickal Almanac and candles for the Imbolc ritual. 

Ode to Tina Belcher

Uuuunnnhhhhhhhh!

Spixie Drawer comes to a halt at her station on the outside of the track, red whistle held lightly between her lips, waiting for the next jam when she feels it.  Could it be?  Yes.  The round magnificence of a butt, right up against her very own.  She looks back over her shoulder, ooooh, not just a butt, but Ira's butt.  Sure, he was busy talking to others behind her, but his behind was making nice with hers. She looks back across to the starting line. Skaters were moving into position, Reftractor was conferring with a coach.  Yes.  There was time.  The shimmying begins, back to back, butt to butt.

Then, Reftractor is back to position. The whistle blows. The jam begins. The butt shimmy ends as abruptly as it begins, leaving Spixie with the warmest butt she's had all day.***

Sometimes, I have a moment of brilliance.  My ode to Tina Belcher's Erotic Friend Fiction, I feel, is one.

It came to me while I was in the car. A welcome change from my mind's meanderings of late. Most of my ideas seem to come when I'm driving, which sucks.  I'm usually not near anywhere to pull over and I never remember what it was once I got home.  I would just remember that I had a good idea.  In an effort to combat this, I downloaded a voice recorder app, but I was busy on the highway and about to exit, so I couldn't really use it.  Luckily, I was almost to Chipotle. And I could see the line was long, as usual. I whipped out my trusty Moleskine and began to write.  A glance in both directions told me I was looking pretty anachronistic as everyone else had a glowing screen.  Tonight, I was not one of them, I was a wielder of pen and paper.  And this ode is my gift to you.

Today I bought tickets to see Father John Misty at the Grenada in April.
Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a venti soy cappuccino, 2 single serve Quik Trip cheesecakes, a Chipotle Sofritas burrito.


***based on a true story!

I like to drive

But only when I'm not working through things.  I mentioned earlier that I think my relationship is about to end.  I've just got a feeling, so every time I'm not occupied with something else, then my mind immediately goes to the grieving of what I'm losing. It's stupid.

School just started for the semester.  My last for my Bachelors.  I'm ready to be done with this aspect of my life. It's time to move on to the next bit.

I found out my ex-husband had a baby recently with his third wife (I was his second).  That's nice for them..but maybe they could have named it something that WE hadn't decided upon when we were trying to have kids.  I can't have any, by the way.  I say it's okay because I have 17 nieces and nephews.  Yes, 17.  

I finally got back on skates tonight!  It was great.  I was worried because I fell down some stairs about a month ago, but my ankle was just a little sore.  This is awesome. I really need to skate more.  Tonight was scrimmage night for all of our teams except our travel team.  I got to see all my favorite people.  It was nice.

I'm taking lots of Vitamin D3, as directed by my doctor...it's not helping with the sadness.

I think that I'm not eating as much as usual, either because subconsciously I'm all, "I'm gonna write that in the blog" or because I'm going further down my rabbit hole.  The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for days. I just didn't feel like it.  That normally doesn't happen.  Normally, I just eat and shop.  I listen to tv and eat and do something else.  But I never not eat.  It doesn't really matter.

I should really do homework.  The first bit is due Friday.  I probably won't until tomorrow night.

Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy cappuccino, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, carrots, cherry tomatoes, jalapeno cheese stick, 2 black bean sliders, some Thai potato chips, juice, hot & spicy ramen.  

Today I bought nothing.

Pagan Panty Drop

That was the best line from tonight's coffee coven.  The Kansas City Witches Meetup Group has various coffee covens throughout the greater metropolitan area.  The Liberty one is closest to me and tonight I went to my first one.  It was fun.  Lot's of just shooting the shit with some great people. It was nice.

Tomorrow I go back to derby.  I do love it. I love reffing.  I've always been kind of a person who likes to know how things should be, so being a ref is right up my alley.  I love my fellow refs, not just the girls that I started Fresh Meat with in the fall of 2014, but also the others who have been in derby for a lot longer than I.  I have a new helmet, mostly because I've had a few knocks to the noggin from a rink floor...never do shopping carts with a vet when you can barely keep your balance as it is.  The back of my head bounced a couple of times because I couldn't keep my feet under me.  The clincher though, was when, as a pack ref I was waylayed by a jam ref going full speed and bounced the front of my head off a concrete floor at M.A.D.E Nationals.  Even though my helmet took the impact, I still had a knot on my forehead.  It. Was. Awesome.  I got a pretty one!

We play M.A.D.E. rules, so there is no soul crushing.  However, the sticker is fan-fucking-tastic and I had to have it. You can get your own at Rrrshop from Bruise Fairy.  She's a great skater and has awesome stuff in her shop. 

Today started out on down note, work was bearable.  It ended pretty good at the coffee coven.

Today I ate oatmeal, OJ, coffee, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, cherry tomatoes, carrots, a sleeve of graham crackers, a Chipotle veggie burrito and half a glass of Pepsi.

Today I didn't buy anything, but I am about to.  Microphones for my new podcast endeavor.

Indian Food Cures Almost Anything...

Except feeling depressed.  So strange how that can creep up on you.  Possibly take over your life if you can't fight it off.  I've been lucky up to now..I can keep it at bay for the most part. I know the spiel.  I have a job and a place to live and plenty to eat (too much).  I have no reason to be depressed. I have a boyfriend.  I play roller derby with a lot of awesome people.  I have a circle with whom I practice my spiritual beliefs.

My job is alright but I would like one that didn't expect me to work 90+ hours every two weeks.  Yeah, my salary may be the equivalent of just over 2x mimimum wage, but once you factor in all the extra hours and then take out my deductions (taxes and minimal insurances) I bring home just about minimum wage.  As I say repeatedly, I work to live, not vice versa. I'm looking for other work..just can't find it yet.  Guess it's a good thing I graduate in May and will finally have a Bachelors.  Let's hope that helps. 

I recently moved out from having lived with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 years.  We didn't break up, though I'm not sure that's off the table.  I hope it is.

My circle is awesome.  We celebrate all the sabbats,(you can see some here) but any other get together type stuff usually happens when I'm at work.

Roller derby is back up and going after a month long hiatus, but I haven't made it back to practice..

I went out for Indian buffet today at Swagat.  I only had one plate though.  Not a lot I wanted to eat.

Today I ate one plate at the Indian buffet, a sleeve of cinnamon graham crackers with milk, some spicy banana chips, four scrambled eggs with cheese and a 12oz bottle of Natural Brew draft root beer.

Today I bought...well...see for yourself

Insomnia or just too much caffeine?

I was up all night.  No, really. I went to bed about 6 am.  Of course I could hear the neighbors downstairs until at least 2:30 am, but it was just normal friends gathering.  I can't begrudge him that.  I gauge him to be in his twenties.  I was always at friends apartments having a great, but loud, time at that age.  And at least I wasn't asleep and woken by his loud, drunken threats to "KILL" someone he was on the phone with.  I put a desk together, I put my new bearings in my wheels.  I also finished all the Criminal Minds that Netflix had to offer.

Did I mention I'm going to start at least two podcasts?  One about roller derby and another about Paganism.  I even bought a domain for the derby one...jblockoclock.com - A. came up with the name for it - J-Block O'Clock.  That's probably because I'm always j-blocking him in the store.  It's a good name, catchy.  I haven't really found one that talks specifically about M.A.D.E rule-set.  If you've seen Whip It, that's not how we play.  And if you have images of GLOW on skates, you are mistaken. I'm a ref for the Fountain City Roller Derby in Kansas City.  I love it and everyone in it.  I'm in the middle.  Trixie Horror.  On my left is Moriartease (Or as she is now called, Bitter Sweets)  and on my right is Noah Clue.  I love those girls.

Thanks to KC Carr for the pic!

Today I ate half a 12" vegan pizza & garlic cheese bread from Waldo Pizza, 2/3 of a regular banana-peanut butter concrete from Sheridans and some root beer.  I'm sure there will be more later.

Today I bought a new Roku, some lamps, some light bulbs.

I'm Not Sure They're Addictions

If addicting behaviour is pre-determined based on genetics, then I'm sure I could be.  I just don't feel like I am because I can NOT eat everything or buy everything.  That's what I like to do though. I can't even remember what I bought today, but I know I bought something.  I didn't even need whatever it was...oh yeah, it was bowls and saki cups from this awesome store called Yoki that sells Japanese items.  I didn't need those things. Last week I ate a whole cheesecake over a couple of days. I didn't go to practice at all for the last two weeks. I feel like Murtaugh from the Lethal Weapon movies, you know, "I'm too old for this shit."  

I'm fucking 37! (In a row!)  Yet, I still feel like a teenager with no direction in life.  I thought by this point I was supposed to have this great freeing epiphany.  The whole, "I'm almost 40 and adulting like I should and I approach everything with logic and brains instead of heart and emotion." I was also supposed to have an idea of what I want to do for a career.  I'm just now finishing my BA in Liberal Arts (I've changed my major so much, it's all I could do to used my credits). I used student loans to supplement my income, for the majority of them I needed it because my ex kept quitting jobs.  These last few, the extra helped pay off some credit.  I 'know' what I should be doing and why, I just don't quite make it there.

Today, I only had some pizza and breadsticks. It was a long day.