Every Day Is Supposed To Be A Gift

A few months ago, I wrote about breaking up my long-time partner.  We had met on Memorial Day 2010.  We spent almost everyday together until we moved in together in 2011. Over the last couple of months we both made strides in changing things about ourselves that had helped cause the problems in our relationship.  Except for the most important one: lack of communication.  I felt we were on a road to reconciliation, he evidently felt we are on the road to being best friends and seeing others.  Last week, he began to see someone else.

The first few days I cried myself into dehydration.  My friends have been awesome.  I've spent time with them every day since Tuesday.  As I've fluctuated between being a depressed, sad woman and consciously trying to see this as a good change that I can grow from, I feel almost as if I were constantly on a see-saw.

After almost a week, I can stop, collect myself and see the flaws in us, individually and together.  When I'm in my 'higher mind' I can look at the last five years and say..well we were with each other as long as we needed to be and were able to show each other what each still needed to fix in ourselves.  I argue badly.  I don't have a fuse, I have a rip-cord.  I am angry immediately.  I blow up.  I scream, I holler.  I don't like it.  It makes me more angry and frustrated.  I cry, I resort to letting out everything I think is wrong, not just whatever is at the moment.  I'm working on this.  I went to a counselor a few times, then she retired.  I'm now trying to learn to meditate.  

My heart though...why couldn't we have worked on these things and gotten back together?  There was so much that we did for each other.  We helped each other heal after horrible divorces. We loved each other fully and solely.  I regained my self-confidence.  I began to believe in myself again, because he championed that I should do so.  He wasn't perfect. Neither was I.  I hope she can make him happy.

Today I ate: burrito, piece of birthday cake, 3 beers

Today I bought: birthday presents for my nephews