Sometimes I'm the Bad Guy

It's over.  Three months after I moved out in an attempt to try fix my relationship.  I know that sounds crazy..but maybe I just wasn't meant to live with someone.  Perhaps we would be better off if we weren't with each other all of the time.  Many people have long lasting relationships without ever cohabiting.  Have you ever been with someone...spent all your time together for almost a year and then decide to move in together and only THEN find out things that you didn't know?  

Life is weird.  You meet someone, you talk for hours upon hours over the course of a few days.  You have a first kiss that you regularly conjure up in your mind as to always hold on to the memory.  We had so much in common.  We liked music and reading.  We did art projects at the table with Anthony Bourdain on in the background.  We spent long evenings reading books as we laid on opposite ends of the couch, entwining our legs.  Some nights I lay in his lap while he watched movies on Netflix, and he softly touched my face or played with my hair.   We went to movies and bowling.  He introduced me to delicious foods: Indian, Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Japanese.  We said we'd move to Europe...Amsterdam in particular was promised.We were together almost every day from the day we met until we moved in together 11 months later.  He stayed over at my place, I stayed at his. He cooked for me.  Invited me to events with his family. I became part of his family, more so than my own.

Things kind of went south after we moved in together.  We started to grow apart after a few years.  I wanted to do more things. I joined roller derby and kept going to school. There were other issues that ended in our fighting...a lot.   Finally after I had tried counseling, I decided to try living apart as a last resort.  But through all the things that we've been through and as much as I thought I was making known what I'd like, he didn't do the same.  The communication that we needed just wasn't there.  Too much of what our relationship had been in the beginning was no more.  

It's always easy to say that the person ending the relationship is doing so because they just want to move on or they are interested in someone else; that they don't want to make the effort.  I can honestly say that simply isn't true.  Sometimes the hardest decision we make is to sever the tie, make the break.  And in my case, my heart is broken just as much as ever.  I still love him and everything we were at one point and everything that we could have been.  My hope is that considering how much we shared, we can be real, true friends.

Today I bought: nothing

Today I ate: strawberries, latte, goulash, carrots, red peppers, Boca veggie sliders, Thin Mints, Mother's Lil' Helper.

Full Moon Esbat...Do It Yourself

Click the pic to go to the site!

It's a full moon tonight.  As you can see by the graphic made by my friend Marietta, it is the night of the Moon of Winds.  The power of the full moon is the most potent and the correspondences of this one fit with the things I am needing in my life.  I'm about to graduate with my Bachelor of Liberal Arts and around $45,000 in student loan debt. I took my current job because I was tired of of crying everyday that I had to go to my former one, even thought it would come with a 20% pay cut.  And while I don't despise having to go to work, I actually have quite a few things I enjoy about it, but my skills are not being utilized and once I have to start paying on those loans..well, I won't have ANY money for anything other than rent and bills.

I made some notes on things I need to focus on in the next few months.  That included the following:

• Career - UMKC? Farmers? It should be fulfilling, allow me to grow, enough $, benefits, good hours, adequate time off for derby and travel
• Education - Master's? In what? I need clarity in a direction to go. Public Affairs w/ emphasis in Non-Profit? Liberal Studies w/ emphasis in Women/Gender studies?
• Financial - Student loans in particular...should I invest a couple of dollars per week in the lotto? Can I find a plan to pay without taking all my disposable income?
• Addictions - the eating and shopping aren't quite out of control, but they aren't in control either
• Goals - Become a better skater. Education. Reduction of debt. Career. Weight loss.
• Personal - More spiritual activities, resolve the relationship issue, spend more time with family and friends.

I decided to concentrate on career and debt for this and took my first try at candle magick.  I select a green candle as it represents prosperity, money and success.  Upon it I carved the runes Fehu and Dagaz.  Fehu representing monetary wealth and new beginnings. Degaz also representing new beginnings and financial increase. I then carved the words 'career', 'debt relief' and 'success'.  Next I anointed the candle with olive oil and a mix of Red Clover and Jasmine.  The Red Clover represented finances, positive vibrations and success. Jasmine representing prosperity.

My altar with intent candle lit

I followed a ritual in Sandra Kynes book, "A Year of Ritual". It was a wonderful ritual with the themes of "Cast out unneeded things from our lives" and "Make room for new growth and new things to enter our lives". The only deviation I made was to state my intentions and light my candle.

Green candle for prosperity and success.

I have hope that tonight's focus and intention will help start the changes that I need to happen in my life.  I suppose that is what spirituality is all about.


Today I ate: banana, apple, grapefruit, salad, soyrizo & salsa w/ tortilla chips, almond milk

Today I bought: nothing.

Derby Days Are Here Again!

Have I mentioned I referee roller derby?  I'm sure I have *nudge nudge wink wink*.  I know I didn't post nearly enough in February...but between school and scrimmages...I've been swamped.  I've got a paper due in two weeks, will have 2 midterms that same week.  Then one more class added in the last 8 weeks. THEN GRADUATION!!!

But enough about that.  Derby.  Blood, sweat, tears, bruises, twists, breaks.  Derby.  This past weekend I reffed 5 bouts in less than 24 hours.  It would have been more but I hurt my ankle and knee after being way-layed by skaters in two different games. I got nothing on our head ref though, he now has THEE prettiest eggplant colored bruise that covers the majority of a butt cheek and partial thigh.  He was way-layed by skaters twice in the SAME bout and then by a chair in another.  In his defense, he was skating backwards..show-off!

Friday night's two bouts were for the Blacksnake Roller Girls in St. Joseph, MO.  It's my hometown, my papa and one of my four sisters showed up.  It was awesome to see them and great to get some time on skates before Saturday.

My Dad, Me and sis, Emily!

Saturday was opening day for Fountain City Roller Derby!!!  FIVE bouts at Hale Arena in Kansas City!  All of our teams played, concluding with a bout against Benton County Roller Derby from Arkansas!  As refs, we play every jam. No rest except for between periods and half-time.  So on a day with five bouts, it was kinda silly to ref two the night before, but I love it.  And FCRD loves us.  A special Zebra Den was put together for us with water, snacks and chairs.  It was glorious.

Thanks FCRD for the pic.

Oh look, you can see some of us arriving for our long day.  I spy One Hit Thunder, Aaron Grievances, Bitter Sweets, me and Hellbilly Delux.  I also think I spy Mr Roboto...

Thanks FCRD for the pic!

Today I ate a chocolate chip scone, coffee, PB&J sandwich, grapefruit, apple, cherry tomatoes, pumpkin chocolate chip muffin, Spicy Indian vegan burgers on bread.

Today I bought nothing (but I've bought so many other things since the last post: various subscription boxes, tent, air mattress, new derby pads, sweaters, shoes).