I Think I Did It In Reverse

I think this is the last one...truly. Almost two weeks ago I was devastated. Utterly and completely.  Now, it's so much better.  But I think I did it in reverse.  Usually when people break up, the devastation is first.  The heartbreak, the self-questioning.  For us it was different.  The final blow is what caused the last bit of heartbreak.  I think that's part of why I feel so much better, just twelve days later.  The other parts are as follows.

Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me.  Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday.  First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.

It was great to be able to just have a fun night.  My favorite win of the night was this:

I spent time with new friends.  Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy.  But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.

I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering.  Both times she was positive and thought provoking.  Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves.  The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer.  Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves.  It's called "As I Am".  I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person.  Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week.  Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself.  It has helped so much more than I could ever say.  Here, give it a listen.

It's all getting better. I'm a different person. I'm really looking at my life and what happened in the relationship.  I'm taking the good and working on the bad and I am whole, as I am!

Today I ate: 2 donuts, trail mix, cappuccino, Cherry Icee

Today I bought: a movie ticket

Every Day Is Supposed To Be A Gift

A few months ago, I wrote about breaking up my long-time partner.  We had met on Memorial Day 2010.  We spent almost everyday together until we moved in together in 2011. Over the last couple of months we both made strides in changing things about ourselves that had helped cause the problems in our relationship.  Except for the most important one: lack of communication.  I felt we were on a road to reconciliation, he evidently felt we are on the road to being best friends and seeing others.  Last week, he began to see someone else.

The first few days I cried myself into dehydration.  My friends have been awesome.  I've spent time with them every day since Tuesday.  As I've fluctuated between being a depressed, sad woman and consciously trying to see this as a good change that I can grow from, I feel almost as if I were constantly on a see-saw.

After almost a week, I can stop, collect myself and see the flaws in us, individually and together.  When I'm in my 'higher mind' I can look at the last five years and say..well we were with each other as long as we needed to be and were able to show each other what each still needed to fix in ourselves.  I argue badly.  I don't have a fuse, I have a rip-cord.  I am angry immediately.  I blow up.  I scream, I holler.  I don't like it.  It makes me more angry and frustrated.  I cry, I resort to letting out everything I think is wrong, not just whatever is at the moment.  I'm working on this.  I went to a counselor a few times, then she retired.  I'm now trying to learn to meditate.  

My heart though...why couldn't we have worked on these things and gotten back together?  There was so much that we did for each other.  We helped each other heal after horrible divorces. We loved each other fully and solely.  I regained my self-confidence.  I began to believe in myself again, because he championed that I should do so.  He wasn't perfect. Neither was I.  I hope she can make him happy.

Today I ate: burrito, piece of birthday cake, 3 beers

Today I bought: birthday presents for my nephews