You Had One Fucking Job

At least that's how I feel a lot of the time.  As a woman, I've grown up with a lot of guilt because my body apparently can't do the one thing it should..make a baby. I struggle with this. A lot.  I get sad, I feel pretty worthless.  Every other Wal-Mart catastrophe can spit out a line of kids like a Pez dispenser, but me? Nope.

I know there are lots of women out there who have gone through the struggle, who have spent WAY more money on trying than I ever have or will.  My story is not one of tens of thousands of dollars going down the (Fallopian) tubes.  My story is about the utter uselessness felt because of how society portrays women as the main caregiver and protector of children.  Our main function, so society-media-propaganda, would have have you believe is to make more humans.  Whether or not you work or anything else, your worth as a woman is based on what you contribute to the world, spawn-wise.

SOME of my nieces and nephews with Grandpa.

For a good chunk of my life all I wanted was to be a mom. I got to be for a little while to my step-son, but making a mini-me is not in my cards.  It's probably just as well.  I can very logically list all the reasons I should be grateful I don't have any kids. I also have MANY nieces and nephews that I can probably borrow if I wanted to have some kids around to do awesome things with like bake yummy goodies, paint pictures, go fun places.  Then I'm the SUPER COOL auntie.

But that worthless feeling is there. Underneath.  So much of the time.  That one basic thing that women do, make life, I can't.  It's almost soul crushing sometimes.


Today I ate: oatmeal, almond milk, cherry tomatoes, cheese & crackers, grapefruit, banana, Boulevard Wheat, nachos, cheesecake.

Today I bought: HSA registration, tent, air mattress, box subscription, Valentine present