It's Been So Long

I'm right back where I was.  It's been a year since I blogged last.  I stopped because I thought things were better.  I was wrong.  The last year has been hell.

I've been seriously depressed at certain points. But through that I reconnected with my brother, which was a good thing. Now I'm just wondering if this is a mid-life crisis or if there is something seriously wrong with me.

It's been on again, off again with my ex.  I've done some soul searching and found aspects of myself that need work, so I've been working on them.  It doesn't seem to be helping anything, but I still keep trying.  He hasn't done anything different except meet other women.  He's fallen in love with two, all while saying he still loves me.  I can't parse any of that.  I'm not sure why I can't get over him and us.  

My life is full of things that I feel that I'm on the outside of.  I'm no longer a member of Circle of Fountains.  Last fall it just didn't feel like the place for me anymore.

I still referee for various roller derby leagues, but I don't feel like an included member of any of them.

Got a new job in August.  I love it.  I actually like going to work.  Most days I don't feel like going, but it has nothing to do with the job.  It just has to do with life.

I feel like a teenager who doesn't yet know their place in the world, is that what a mid life crisis is?  Because I'm so far from being a teenager, it's ridiculous.

I don't like any of this.  

I Think I Did It In Reverse

I think this is the last one...truly. Almost two weeks ago I was devastated. Utterly and completely.  Now, it's so much better.  But I think I did it in reverse.  Usually when people break up, the devastation is first.  The heartbreak, the self-questioning.  For us it was different.  The final blow is what caused the last bit of heartbreak.  I think that's part of why I feel so much better, just twelve days later.  The other parts are as follows.

Every day for a week, my friends spent time with me.  Some made plans, others just came over out of the blue! My circle (Circle of Fountains), showed up on Wednesday.  First Marietta and Tony, then Kira and Emily. We ended up playing Cards Against Humanity since I had recently gotten in 6 new expansion packs.

It was great to be able to just have a fun night.  My favorite win of the night was this:

I spent time with new friends.  Reconnected with old ones. Started making new memories at places I enjoy.  But one of the best things to happen was seeing Summer Osborne a the LIKEME Lighthouse in Kansas City.

I have seen Summer two other times; once at KC Pagan Pride Day in 2013 and then last fall at Gaea Goddess Gathering.  Both times she was positive and thought provoking.  Summer is all about promoting learning to be more accepting and loving towards others, but first towards ourselves.  The LIKEME Lighthouse was an intimate space and was the perfect setting for Summer.  Summer has a song that she urges us to sing along to...to sing to ourselves.  It's called "As I Am".  I've never been one that has been able to make myself talk myself into feeling better or being in a healthier mindset...but Summer has a great way of getting through to a person.  Anyway..I've been playing her cd in the car all week.  Each morning and night I sing the chorus to myself and anytime I start to feel sad or bad about myself.  It has helped so much more than I could ever say.  Here, give it a listen.

It's all getting better. I'm a different person. I'm really looking at my life and what happened in the relationship.  I'm taking the good and working on the bad and I am whole, as I am!

Today I ate: 2 donuts, trail mix, cappuccino, Cherry Icee

Today I bought: a movie ticket

Every Day Is Supposed To Be A Gift

A few months ago, I wrote about breaking up my long-time partner.  We had met on Memorial Day 2010.  We spent almost everyday together until we moved in together in 2011. Over the last couple of months we both made strides in changing things about ourselves that had helped cause the problems in our relationship.  Except for the most important one: lack of communication.  I felt we were on a road to reconciliation, he evidently felt we are on the road to being best friends and seeing others.  Last week, he began to see someone else.

The first few days I cried myself into dehydration.  My friends have been awesome.  I've spent time with them every day since Tuesday.  As I've fluctuated between being a depressed, sad woman and consciously trying to see this as a good change that I can grow from, I feel almost as if I were constantly on a see-saw.

After almost a week, I can stop, collect myself and see the flaws in us, individually and together.  When I'm in my 'higher mind' I can look at the last five years and say..well we were with each other as long as we needed to be and were able to show each other what each still needed to fix in ourselves.  I argue badly.  I don't have a fuse, I have a rip-cord.  I am angry immediately.  I blow up.  I scream, I holler.  I don't like it.  It makes me more angry and frustrated.  I cry, I resort to letting out everything I think is wrong, not just whatever is at the moment.  I'm working on this.  I went to a counselor a few times, then she retired.  I'm now trying to learn to meditate.  

My heart though...why couldn't we have worked on these things and gotten back together?  There was so much that we did for each other.  We helped each other heal after horrible divorces. We loved each other fully and solely.  I regained my self-confidence.  I began to believe in myself again, because he championed that I should do so.  He wasn't perfect. Neither was I.  I hope she can make him happy.

Today I ate: burrito, piece of birthday cake, 3 beers

Today I bought: birthday presents for my nephews

The Sadness Just Doesn't Dissipate...

It's not what I was looking for when it happened.  I was looking for nothing, intent on just being.  But the cosmos had another plan...and here I am five years later, no longer content with just being...but feeling lost and in need of direction.  Not wanting to let go of that which I just happened upon five years ago.  Nor happy with a transitioning of it to something still important to me, just not exactly what I want. 

Soon I'll write a post about graduating, a post about my first quasi-real camping trip and maybe about directions finally realized for my life.

Today I bought: nothing.

Today I ate: Vegan pizza, ice cream, hot and spicy cheese-its, vegan cheese garlic bread

Sometimes I'm the Bad Guy

It's over.  Three months after I moved out in an attempt to try fix my relationship.  I know that sounds crazy..but maybe I just wasn't meant to live with someone.  Perhaps we would be better off if we weren't with each other all of the time.  Many people have long lasting relationships without ever cohabiting.  Have you ever been with someone...spent all your time together for almost a year and then decide to move in together and only THEN find out things that you didn't know?  

Life is weird.  You meet someone, you talk for hours upon hours over the course of a few days.  You have a first kiss that you regularly conjure up in your mind as to always hold on to the memory.  We had so much in common.  We liked music and reading.  We did art projects at the table with Anthony Bourdain on in the background.  We spent long evenings reading books as we laid on opposite ends of the couch, entwining our legs.  Some nights I lay in his lap while he watched movies on Netflix, and he softly touched my face or played with my hair.   We went to movies and bowling.  He introduced me to delicious foods: Indian, Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Japanese.  We said we'd move to Europe...Amsterdam in particular was promised.We were together almost every day from the day we met until we moved in together 11 months later.  He stayed over at my place, I stayed at his. He cooked for me.  Invited me to events with his family. I became part of his family, more so than my own.

Things kind of went south after we moved in together.  We started to grow apart after a few years.  I wanted to do more things. I joined roller derby and kept going to school. There were other issues that ended in our fighting...a lot.   Finally after I had tried counseling, I decided to try living apart as a last resort.  But through all the things that we've been through and as much as I thought I was making known what I'd like, he didn't do the same.  The communication that we needed just wasn't there.  Too much of what our relationship had been in the beginning was no more.  

It's always easy to say that the person ending the relationship is doing so because they just want to move on or they are interested in someone else; that they don't want to make the effort.  I can honestly say that simply isn't true.  Sometimes the hardest decision we make is to sever the tie, make the break.  And in my case, my heart is broken just as much as ever.  I still love him and everything we were at one point and everything that we could have been.  My hope is that considering how much we shared, we can be real, true friends.

Today I bought: nothing

Today I ate: strawberries, latte, goulash, carrots, red peppers, Boca veggie sliders, Thin Mints, Mother's Lil' Helper.

I like to drive

But only when I'm not working through things.  I mentioned earlier that I think my relationship is about to end.  I've just got a feeling, so every time I'm not occupied with something else, then my mind immediately goes to the grieving of what I'm losing. It's stupid.

School just started for the semester.  My last for my Bachelors.  I'm ready to be done with this aspect of my life. It's time to move on to the next bit.

I found out my ex-husband had a baby recently with his third wife (I was his second).  That's nice for them..but maybe they could have named it something that WE hadn't decided upon when we were trying to have kids.  I can't have any, by the way.  I say it's okay because I have 17 nieces and nephews.  Yes, 17.  

I finally got back on skates tonight!  It was great.  I was worried because I fell down some stairs about a month ago, but my ankle was just a little sore.  This is awesome. I really need to skate more.  Tonight was scrimmage night for all of our teams except our travel team.  I got to see all my favorite people.  It was nice.

I'm taking lots of Vitamin D3, as directed by my doctor...it's not helping with the sadness.

I think that I'm not eating as much as usual, either because subconsciously I'm all, "I'm gonna write that in the blog" or because I'm going further down my rabbit hole.  The last time I felt like this, I didn't eat for days. I just didn't feel like it.  That normally doesn't happen.  Normally, I just eat and shop.  I listen to tv and eat and do something else.  But I never not eat.  It doesn't really matter.

I should really do homework.  The first bit is due Friday.  I probably won't until tomorrow night.

Today I ate 2 glazed chocolate donuts, a soy cappuccino, cheese sandwich, cottage cheese, carrots, cherry tomatoes, jalapeno cheese stick, 2 black bean sliders, some Thai potato chips, juice, hot & spicy ramen.  

Today I bought nothing.

Indian Food Cures Almost Anything...

Except feeling depressed.  So strange how that can creep up on you.  Possibly take over your life if you can't fight it off.  I've been lucky up to now..I can keep it at bay for the most part. I know the spiel.  I have a job and a place to live and plenty to eat (too much).  I have no reason to be depressed. I have a boyfriend.  I play roller derby with a lot of awesome people.  I have a circle with whom I practice my spiritual beliefs.

My job is alright but I would like one that didn't expect me to work 90+ hours every two weeks.  Yeah, my salary may be the equivalent of just over 2x mimimum wage, but once you factor in all the extra hours and then take out my deductions (taxes and minimal insurances) I bring home just about minimum wage.  As I say repeatedly, I work to live, not vice versa. I'm looking for other work..just can't find it yet.  Guess it's a good thing I graduate in May and will finally have a Bachelors.  Let's hope that helps. 

I recently moved out from having lived with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 years.  We didn't break up, though I'm not sure that's off the table.  I hope it is.

My circle is awesome.  We celebrate all the sabbats,(you can see some here) but any other get together type stuff usually happens when I'm at work.

Roller derby is back up and going after a month long hiatus, but I haven't made it back to practice..

I went out for Indian buffet today at Swagat.  I only had one plate though.  Not a lot I wanted to eat.

Today I ate one plate at the Indian buffet, a sleeve of cinnamon graham crackers with milk, some spicy banana chips, four scrambled eggs with cheese and a 12oz bottle of Natural Brew draft root beer.

Today I bought...well...see for yourself